Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Pulling up the carpet...

                                    (The carpet in question at my oldest son's birthday last year)

So a few weeks ago I walked into my sons room and was overwhelmed by stink. The carpet in there is 6 years old and the dog has had a few accidents in there. No matter how much we cleaned it, it still stunk. Then we were cleaning up an accident when my 3 year old took the dirty water container from our Little Green Machine and dumped it on the carpet.

I looked at my husband and told him that the carpet needed to come up NOW, today, 5 years ago! He just smiled at me and said ok. So on a whim of mine we started to rip up a carpet late in the afternoon. Of course not too long after we started the baby needed to be fed so I had to stop working and feed him. Then dinner was done so we all ate. Then the baby needed to be fed again so I had to feed him. My husband did 90% of the work on his one day off this week.

As I was sitting here feeding the baby, knowing that my husband was working away pulling up stinky carpet I was overwhelmed by a thought. My husband is a GOOD man. He puts up with my moods, goes along with my whims most of the time (especially if they don't cost any money lol), works SO hard for all of us.

As I was sitting there thinking of all of this I realized that it's been awhile since I focused on all my husband's strengths  I have been focusing on his weaknesses. He has made some bad choices over the past few months that have really made it hard for us financially and I have been so mad over it. I got to feeling superior because *I* never spend money and *I* go without and *I* don't spend money frivolously  So of course I was a better person because of all these things and *I* don't make mistakes like this so therefore I should be the one that runs the family.

It's hard to own up to but there it is. I'm a controlling woman who thinks the worst of my husband when things don't go my way. I've said this in another post but maybe I just need to keep saying it to myself. I am like a child when things don't go my way.

This is something that is going to change. I'm tired of watching myself acting this way and I'm tired of seeing how beaten down my husband looks every time I 'talk' to him. It's like I'm watching what is happening but I can't stop my mouth. Or maybe I don't want to stop my mouth.

I have started to take steps to change this. I've started to pray more for my husband. I've started to read books to help my relationship. But now I realize that it's time to pull up my own stinky carpet of my attitude. It's old and stinky and stained and it has no place in my life anymore. It's time to make a change for once and for all. Once you start pulling up the carpet you can't go back anymore. It can't be put down again once you cut it. That's what I need to do.

I'm going to spend the next few days thinking about this, but I'm thinking right now that I'm going to make my own challenge about loving your husband. This will force me to not only do a challenge but also spend the time making it and posting it every day so it's always at the front of my brain.

Growing Home

Monday, October 29, 2012

Happy Birthday Daemon my Daemon!

My oldest boy is 7 today! SEVEN! Where o where did the time go? He was born 5 weeks early and a tiny 5 pounds 4 ounces. He had a 4 day NICU stay and then we were able to bring our bundle of energy home.

Here he is. Brand new to the world

Little sleeping angel

What a cute little face!

And here he is just a week ago when he lost his two front teeth

It's gone by way to fast. I love seeing him grow but it's hart to let go of my baby. Happy 7th birthday Daemon! Mommy loves you :)

(As I was writing this I realized that I didn't do a post like this for my middle son. His birthday was at the end of September. So I guess I'll have to do a post about him just because! :))

Just average...

That's me. Average height. Average shoe size. Average intelligence. Average faith. Average house. Average car. Average life. Just average Jennie. Even my name is average. I'm just one of a million Jennifer's my age that are out there.

I ache for something more. I want to be bold for Christ. I want to do something that matters. But every time I think about what I want to do, I am at a loss.

I thought that I could use this blog for that purpose but I am stopped by two things. One, I feel like my writing is mediocre at best and two, what on earth could I possibly have to teach other people. I don't feel like I know anything and if all I am doing is talking about my struggles in Christ and as a homemaker, how is that encouraging anyone?

Maybe I do have something to teach and tell people about but I can't see it. Like I said before, I'm just average.

I don't want to be average anymore. I want to be bold and caring and something out of the ordinary. I don't need to be a 'special snowflake' but I do need to do and be more than what I am right now.

I know that every single person has something that they are super good at and something that they can do for the Kingdom. I just need to find what that is for me. There has to be something that God is wanting me to do. There has to be a niche for me.

Is this something that other people struggle with or do most people know what they are meant to do. I know that I need to pray more about this issue but it seems like it's so easy for other people. They start a blog and get 1000 followers within 6 months. They get a feeling they should start a ministry and everything just falls into place. It's amazing and makes me think sometimes that maybe I'm not supposed to be one of those people.

I want to write. I have stories and books and blog posts just rolling around inside me but when I am staring at the blank computer screen the words just won't come. Then when they come I feel like I missed the point somehow. My words aren't full enough or my thoughts aren't expressed well. Maybe it's just me and my posts are perfectly fine. I can be a perfectionist sometimes and that makes me so critical of what I create. Whether it's words or a blanket or a diaper cake it's never good enough. I sometimes get so frustrated with myself that I can't just enjoy what I am able to create.

It's time to start praying about this. I need to figure out what God wants our family to do. I know there is something, I just need to be open to it. I know He is knocking and I need to figure out how to get to the door and open it.

Do you ever feel like this? Did you feel like this but you figured it out? Let me know in the comments. Maybe we can muddle through together :)

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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Be like children

Matthew 18

1At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
2He called a little child and had him stand among them. 3And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
5“And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. 6But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.

This verse popped into my head today and I wanted to write a little post about it. I homeschool my oldest son right now. I want to school him all the way through school but my husband doesn't. We came to a compromise that I will school my son until we can move to a better school district because the one we are in is horrible. That is a decision that both of us are comfortable with :)
Anyway, I use the Sonlight 1st grade complete curriculum. They have a book for Bible time called 'Leading Little Ones to God'. This isn't a review but I wanted to take a few minutes to talk about this book. As we have been reading it over the weeks since school started I have noticed more and more that my son seems to 'get it'. I see his eyes light up when we talk about God. I see him understanding more. I see his talking more about what God wants from us. This book has laid things out in a way that my almost 7 year old totally understands it. But even more than that, the book is laid out so even my 7 year old's 33 year old mother understands it too. :)
The lessons are short and I get so much out of them. It's weird for me to get such inspiration from a children's book since I have been reading at college level since I was 10. However, I think that since I didn't grow up a Christian, and it's only been about 4 years since I really began to learn about God on and off, I really am like a child when it comes to knowing God.

Maybe that's been my issue all along. I've had a rough road with my faith and I've wanted to throw in the towel and go back to being an agnostic many times. But I've kept going and growing. Now that I have this book maybe I will learn some of the basics about God and Christianity that I seem to be missing.

Be like children. How many other ways can I go from being cynical to having a child-like faith in my God? Be like children. What can I learn from my own children? I think that I've been so focused on teaching my children how to grow that I've not grown myself.

Maybe these boys need to teach me just as much as I need to teach them!

Growing Homea-wise-woman-builds-her-home

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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Something I have realized lately,

I NEED Jesus!

That's it. It all starts with God. I've let Him go out of my life. For some reason I wanted to go back and reclaim the person I was before Christ entered my life. I don't know why. I was a selfish, bitter, broken person and I wanted that back. I *think* that I wanted to reclaim the easiness from when my husband and I were dating and when we only had one child. I don't know if that even makes sense outside of my head but it makes sense to me.

I've become nagging and critical toward my husband lately. I don't enjoy my children. And all I can think about lately is me me me me me ME! I don't get enough sleep. I don't get enough free time. I always have a kid by me. I can't even go to the bathroom by myself. It's a disgusting attitude to have. I realize that every person on the earth needs some time to recharge their batteries and just veg. I am taking it to the extreme though. I am hyper critical of my husband because he can't give me what I want when I want. It's like I've become a child.

This blog, writing about my faith, reading the Bible, trying to connect with other Christians, going to church, they all became burdens to me. I started going to websites that openly mocked Christians and enjoyed the content. My faith withered and shriveled.

I have also realized that I am very easily swayed. When I was very into reading other blogs by Christian ladies that covered their hair, wore skirts and homeschooled I became convinced that I had to do that to. When I read blogs that mocked Christians, I wanted nothing to do with Christianity. I have to find my own path and my own way. I know that the first step for me to take is to submit to my husband. But, I can't submit the way other women submit. I have to submit in a way that works for my family and my relationship with my husband. My husband and I both feel uncomfortable with the extreme we see submission taken to. He doesn't always want me to be cheerful because I'm not. He doesn't want me to run everything by him. I am naturally submissive in a lot of areas. Like finances. If I want to make any purchase I run it past him. He does the finances and know what's going on so I ask.

If there is something going on with the kids I talk to him. He has really good insights a lot because he's not here in the trenches with the kids all day every day like I am. I take his advice when I ask for it. But I'm not a child. I wear my hair how I want. I wear what I want. I do ask him what he likes and when he does have an opinion on something I take it to heart. I was cutting my hair short and asked him what he liked and he said he liked my hair long and curly so I grew it out. But if he didn't have an opinion on my hair I would do whatever I liked. I guess I have felt because I don't follow what other submissive wives do I can't be one. Now I realize it's a path we are going down and we have to start somewhere. If what we are doing isn't right God will let us know. I don't have to be Susie Christian Homemaker. I have to be Jennie Homemaker. Wife to Doug. Mother of my children. Daughter of God. I will find my way. I will do what God wants me to do. Now I know that in order to do that I have to listen to Him, not another blogger.

My husband's faith has grown so much in the last few months and I didn't even realize it. He prays in the car on the way to work. Has started to listen to Christian talk radio too. He's growing and has inspired me to grow. Considering that a year ago he didn't even really believe it's amazing.

I need to get back with God. Read my Bible, pray. I was doing a book review thing with Christian book companies and it really helped me to grow. I need to start doing that again. It's time. I need to make a change. Everyone here needs this.

Growing Homea-wise-woman-builds-her-home

Monday, October 1, 2012

It's been a long time...

So much has happened since I last wrote on this blog.

I had my third son Isaac on July 31st. When I went to my 38 week appointment he was breech so I decided to let my doctor do an external version on me. We got him head down but then he flipped around again. So the next week they wanted me to come in and they were going to try to flip him and induce me. Luckily he went back head down in the meantime. But I was induced anyway so we wouldn't have that problem again.

Isaac was born at 4:47 pm and he was our biggest baby at 6 lbs 13 oz lol. I have really small babies!
Here's a picture of me and my littlest guy :)

 and here's one of him just the other night,

he's still pretty tiny but he's growing and starting to smile which is the cutest thing in the world :)

In other news, my best friend is getting married Friday so I had a bachelorette party for her this past Saturday. The Saturday before that we celebrated my middle son's 3rd birthday. So it's been pretty crazy here. Plus the dress fittings and all the other stuff. I've felt bad that I haven't been available to her that much. I'm the matron of honor but life is so crazy that her and I have been like two ships passing in the night. We don't get to even talk much anymore.

I had started to breastfeed the baby but I think by now I've pretty much failed at that. Things were going ok when I got a kidney infection. They usually give sulfa drugs and you can breastfeed with those but I happen to be allergic to those to I had to take something else. Everything that is effective for kidney infections you shouldn't breastfeed with. So I had to pump and dump for 2 weeks and as the two weeks went on I started pumping less and less because I just couldn't find the time where the kids weren't fighting or crying or getting into stuff. I was also so miserable with the infection that I just didn't want to pump the first couple of days. After the wedding I'm going to try to take Mother's Love and pump and feed more and see if I can build up a supply but we will see.

My oldest has been so bad at listening that we have actually made him earn his own birthday party. He has had to earn 50 stickers by the end of tomorrow. He only has 4 more stickers to earn and I'm very glad that he finally turned around and has done what he needed to do to earn stickers. I didn't want to take his birthday party away but I felt that drastic measures were needed. I wasn't sure if he would earn all 50 stickers but he has really surprised me these last few days. This momma's heart is glad that he did what he needed to do and I don't have to take it away :)

So in 3 weeks we will be having another party. In between there we are homeschooling our oldest, trying to teach our middle shapes, colors, numbers etc., spending time with all three of them. Plus the cleaning, laundry, cooking etc. etc. etc.

I feel like I don't have a second to myself lately. I'm trying to enjoy every second I get with my baby because he will most likely be my last but it's hard. I usually fall asleep early and so I don't get time to myself or time with my husband. I know things will settle down but it's crazy. Also, of course right now my husband's job is getting ready for inventory so he's working 6 days and crazy hours and then it will almost be time for the Christmas season in his retail job. Come on January! That's when things will finally settle down lol.

I hope everyone is well and I make no promises when I will blog again but I will try to get back here more often :)