I'm going to be honest finally,

I've made excuses about why I don't keep up with my blog. While I AM busy, I'm sure that I could find time during the day to make a post. While things are crazy, I could write one at night and publish it the next morning.

The real reason though is, I don't have anything to write about and I've been feeling like I'm losing my faith. When I do think of something that I think would be a good topic I kind of just throw my hands up and think to myself, 'what's the point anyway?'

I've stopped praying, reading my Bible, and seeking out God. I struggle all the time.

I've spent my whole life feeling emotionally abandoned by the people who should have loved me and I have a hard time believing that Jesus is any different. Deep down I don't think he could love someone like me. He can love the women who comes to him ragged and lost. He can love the woman who has it all together and is a keeper at home. But I don't know if I will ever believe that he can love me.

When my husband left me for a short time a few years ago, I FELT God everyday. I felt that he was with me and carrying me and loving me. I was so broken and he held me. Now I feel nothing. I pray for help and I feel like it falls on deaf ears. I try to open myself up to the Spirit like I hear other people doing and nothing comes. I feel like why try anymore? I feel like God doesn't care so why bother trying to please him and do what he wants me to do?

I find it sadly funny that my husband gets his faith back and I lose mine. I got baptized last August and felt like things were really coming together and now I'm back out in the wilderness. I just don't know what to do.

Lord, I need some help down here!

So things were settling back down after my surgery. I was healed and feeling good and then I started to feel super tired all the time. I was scared that the problem wasn't fixed and there was something else wrong with me.

Well there was something going on. On November 29th I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! Our baby number 3 will be here in August.

I'm excited, scared, and a little bit overwhelmed. We have a pretty small 2 bedroom house and no way to move right now. That means all three children will be in a small room. I don't know where we are going to put another dresser, more toys and all the other stuff kids have.

I want this baby but I can't imagine a worse time to have one. We haven't even started to touch the bills from my surgery and now we are just going to be piling on more. My husband thinks that we might have to file for bankruptcy. It might be a good idea. We are just drowning.

So as exciting and special it is that I am pregnant, it's overwhelming too. I'm still trying to process everything and I'm trying to hold on to God. I know he won't let us down and will see us through this no matter the outcome.

I love this time of year!

I love the Christmas season. I love the decorating and the baking and the family time together. I love how close I feel to my Savior at this time of year. I have always felt closer to Jesus at Christmas than at Easter. I know that without Easter and the fact that he rose from the grave, Christmas wouldn't be important. I just have always felt that Christmas was a time of new beginnings. I can't hear 'O Holy Night' without my heart swelling and tears coming to my eyes.

I know that a lot of Christians have stopped celebrating Christmas all together because aspect of it have pagan roots. I also know because it doesn't say specifically in the Bible to celebrate anything about Jesus's birth, a lot of people don't celebrate. I don't think I will ever feel that way. Christmas isn't just important to me for the gifts or the cakes and cookies. Christmas is the time of year that Jesus comes alive for me. I look at my own sons and I think of that long ago night when Mary looked on the face of her son. I wonder if she knew at that time how he would be killed to save us all. I think the song "Mary Did You Know" ( can't remember the artist off hand) sums up how I feel.

I also know that Santa is another big issue in both religious and non-religious families. On other websites I've seen battles back and forth. The people that tell their kids about Santa say people who don't are depriving their children of a childhood. The people that don't tell their children about Santa say that people who do are lying to their children.

In my house Santa is a big deal. Jesus is the reason for the season here, but Santa is the one that brings us our gifts if we have been good :). We track Santa on Norad every year, we leave out milk and cookies, but we also talk about how Jesus was born on Christmas and he was a gift to all of us. He gave himself for us and because of that we need to give to other people. We use this season as a great teaching tool. We get a child off the giving tree, we don't pass a Salvation Army bucket without throwing something in, and we talk to our boys about how important it is to give time or money or food to people who don't have these things.

My oldest is only 6 so it hasn't all sunk in yet but every year we talk about how important it is and how Jesus talks in the Bible that we need to take care of the poor. We aren't perfect at this and I'm sure there is more we could be doing, especially at this time of year, but we do our best and we all learn more every year.

I feel like this is a magical time of year. What other time of year do you hear people of other religions (or even no religion) singing about the Christ child? Even if they don't believe and they never believe I still think that there is something magical about that :)

I love that there are different celebrations from other religions at this time of year too! In all of them family is a central focus. In this crazy mixed up world, where families don't have time for each other on a day to day basis, how cool is it that there are celebrations that bring families together? That is so needed and it makes me so joyful to look around and see families being together.

Let me tell you, I'm 32 and I still get a thrill out of tracking Santa on Norad. I still get a thrill seeing people GIVING, and I still get a mighty thrill that makes my throat close a little and my eyes tear up when I think about Christ born in a manger all those years ago.

I hope that every has a wonderful Holiday season and for everyone that celebrates Christmas I hope you have a Merry Christmas! (Or a Holly Jolly one if you so desire :))

Since life is settling back down...

I think it's time to get back in the swing of things :)

For today's post, I wanted to show what I am thankful for since Thanksgiving is right around the corner.

I am thankful for my silly husband. He makes me laugh, he stands beside me, he encourages me to dream, he puts up and sometimes follows my crazy ideas, he LOVES me, and he loves the Lord

(This picture was taken on Halloween. This is the hat to my youngest sons costume. It kept falling off so he put it on and pretended he was a pirate for the picture lol)

I'm thankful for my sons. They have inspired me, caused me to grow, and made me realize that I don't need 'things' to be happy. I feel like they saved my life. I was going nowhere in life. Bouncing around doing whatever I 'thought' might make me happy. I realized what true happiness was when my oldest was born. My oldest made me a mom and my youngest made me a better mom. I realized that I wanted to do things better for both of my sons when my youngest was born.

I'm thankful for my little house. I've wanted to move, and I've hated how my house looks for a long time now but, I realized my little house is home. I'm thankful that we have a home, I'm thankful for all the wonderful memories we have made here. We became parents in this house. I'm also thankful that my in-laws bought this house for us to rent. We are SO lucky and blessed because of them.

(I don't have a good picture of the outside of my house. So here is the inside looking at part of the living room and dining room from the front door. This was my oldest sons 6th birthday last month.)

I'm thankful for me! I actually like myself a lot more than anytime I can remember previous. I've changed a lot of bad habits and I like to think that overall I have changed for the better. I found my faith and it made me grow. I still have work to do on myself but I can honestly say that not only do I like me, but I'm proud of me :)

(This is the day we got baptized in August)

I'm thankful that the Lord has never given up on me. I'm thankful that my sins are forgiven. I'm thankful that I have found new life in Christ. I don't think I will ever be able to properly state how much my faith means to me. In my darkest moments God was there. I am proud to be a Daughter of the King. He is my redeemer.

My life isn't perfect and it isn't ever going to be. But my life is filled with the Love of Christ, my family, my friends, my dreams and my hopes. I'm blessed beyond measure.

It is done!

I am home. I got my surgery done yesterday and came home today. I already feel much better than I did yesterday. They were able to do the surgery laproscopically and so I should be most of the way recovered in about a week.

I didn't want to stay in the hospital last night but I'm glad that I did. I was in a lot of pain last night and I was very glad that I had the narcotics in the iv. I wouldn't have gotten such fast pain relief if I had been home.

I was in a lot of pain when i got home but I've taken two naps and now the pain seems a little better.

All of my nursing staff were fantastic. I really lucked out and I will be writing the hospital to say how much I apreciated my nursing staff. I think that's all I can write now. I'm a little muddled still. But I just wanted to stay that God is so good! Everything I prayed about happened. I wanted good caring nurses and I got great ones. I wanted to go home early today and by 11 am I was home. I wanted to recover fast and i already feel better. Thank you Lord for being there with me during my surgery.

Been out of commission lately,

I've been so sick since June and it's really affected everything in my life. But we have a diagnosis and I see the light at the end of this tunnel! My gallbladder is infected. That is what has been causing all my fevers. So I am having it removed next Friday November 4th.

If all goes according to plan I will leave the hospital on Saturday and take about a week to recover. There is a chance that they will not be able to do the surgery laparoscopically and I will have to have the surgery the old fashioned way. Then I will be in the hospital for 3 or 4 days and it will take me 3 to 4 weeks to recover.

It's scary either way because I've never had surgery before but it's almost over! Either way by December I will be healed and will be able to enjoy the Christmas season. We will be able to get back to homeschooling and do more fun things. We will be able to get out of the house and play in the snow and go to the library. I'll be able to keep up with laundry and my house will always be clean again. I will be able to keep up with my crocheting projects and my book reviews. I'll be able to stop feeding my family tv dinners and actually make dinner from scratch!

I'm scared but I'm excited. It's been a long road and we have been so stressed out here. One more big hurdle and we can get back to life again! So I probably won't update my blog again until after I heal but after that I think I will get back to blogging! I have lots to write about :)

As I stared in the mirror this morning...

while I was doing my hair I couldn't help but stare at the cross around my neck. The shirt I am wearing today has a curved neckline that frames my necklace perfectly. As I stared at the cross my anger and confusion that I've had for the last week just dissipated. There is a time for anger and a time for letting the anger go and getting down to business and fixing things. I crossed that threshold this morning.

I can't let the anger consume me. It stops me in my tracks and stunts my growth as a person. I know this all to well. I spent most of my early twenties emotionally stunted by grief and anger. Anger at losing my father, anger that my boyfriend couldn't love me and was emotionally abusive to me. It took me years to realize that my anger was only hurting myself. Being angry at someone never hurts them, it only hurts me.

I realized that since my baptism I've been FARTHER away from God. I don't read my Bible, I don't pray, I don't go to church, and I've slipped back into old habits. Plus I've neglected my blog because it's my journey to being a Godly woman. Why write about it, if I have been sliding the other way?

This has been quite a journey for me so far. I've gone through the crucible time and again and every time I think it's the last. Then I realize that it's not. Sometimes I wonder why God thinks that these painful lessons are the only way to teach me. Some easy, gentle lessons would be nice in between painful ones.

Please excuse my ramblings. This is a confusing time for me and I have no idea what is wrong with me. I feel like I've been holding this all inside for weeks and it's time to exhale and let it all out. This is just my way of sorting through the confusion and hopefully getting to a place of acceptance and understanding of all of this.

Love in Christ,

Jen