Friday, April 20, 2012

Come and see a man ~My story~ Part 2

(Part one is here if you haven't read it yet)

Living at my mom's house at 29 in my old bedroom with my son and one on the way was super depressing. I don't think a day went by that I didn't cry. I also had been married once before at 19 to a boy who cheated on me constantly so the thought of having two failed marriages by the time I turned 30 was overwhelming and shameful for me.

I spent six weeks living at my moms house and they are still the longest six weeks of my life. Every day seemed to last forever. At this time my oldest son was 3 years old and he had his whole world ripped apart. Mom was always crying. He lived at Grandma's house instead of his house and Dad was too wrapped up in his own crap to spend lots of time with him. It destroyed me further to know that I couldn't help him as much as I should. My  30th birthday was spend living here and it was even more depressing for me. Not only did I turn 30 and leave my 20's behind but I was back living at my mothers house facing a divorce.

During this time too I was trying in a million different ways to get my husband to talk to me. To get him back. To get him away from HER! Nothing was working.

Then one day my mom saw someone from our old church (they had sold the building and we just assumed the church had closed down.) and she said that the church was still active and had just changed their name (that's why we couldn't find them!). They were renting out the auditorium at our local community college on Sundays. We decided to go and that first Sunday that we went they were doing something way out of the ordinary from any church that I had been to.

The pastor decided that they were going to take the monthly budget (!) and give it to the congregation in small increments so the congregation could go out and take the blessings of the church into the community. They gave envelopes to my mother and I too even though we weren't members anymore and hadn't been there for years. We were instructed not to open the envelopes until we got home and I spent the rest of the service thinking about what I would do with the money.

I decided that if I got 100 dollars I would buy stuff for the local homeless shelter and donate it. If I got one of the 20's I would take my mom out for dinner to thank her for taking me back in to her house. If I got one of the 5's I would treat my friend to coffee for being such a great friend. There were no 50's and I never gave one thought to what I would do if I got a 10.

Lo and behold I got a 10 dollar bill. That's when for the first time in my life I heard God's voice. He told me to give the money and the blessing that went along with it to my husband. I brushed it off. Doug didn't deserve the money and he DEFINITELY didn't deserve the blessing in my mind. Someone else could bless him. Not me. He destroyed my life. He didn't deserve a blessing from me.

I raged at God for hours. The only thing I heard in return was that I was supposed to give it to Doug. So finally I gave in (reluctantly) and called Doug and asked him to come over because I had something to give him. He was going to a friend's house in another town but agreed to come over as long as the visit was short and I didn't 'badger' him. I agreed and he came over. I gave him the money and the card with the blessing and he looked very confused. He told me to keep the 10 dollars and he would just take the blessing. I told him it didn't work that way. The money was part of the blessing. He reluctantly accepted it and went on his way. That was our first talk since we broke up that didn't end with him angry and me crying.

As the weeks wore on I grew more sad and more frustrated that nothing I said touched Doug. He was wrapped up in the other woman and his freedom. He was also wrapped up in his own confusion and misery and it affected him very deeply. He would work 15 and 16 hours a day so he didn't have to come home to an empty house. He told me that when we moved he closed the door to our son's room and never even opened it. He couldn't stand to see it empty.

Through it all though I could hear God's voice clearly. More clearly than at any other time in my life. He kept telling me that I needed to be patient and that when the time was right I would find the words that would start the change. He also guided my steps and told me when something I was doing was helping and when something I was doing was hurting. I am still amazed at how clearly I heard Him. It all of the misery it was an amazing feeling.

Then one day I DID find the words that helped a little bit. I was talking to Doug about the other woman and he told me that she was a good person. I asked him how good of a person could she be if she knew he was married and trying to start not only a friendship with him but also a relationship. Because that was her goal from the first time she asked him out for a drink. That caused him to stop and actually think about some of the things she had done and said to him. Not only about him but about me and the relationship between Doug and I.

The next thing I said that actually got to him was about a week before I gave birth. I asked him to do the 'Love Dare' with me. He told me no and then I started yelling at him (not the best idea but effective) that he had asked so much of me and the least he could do was 10 days of the Love Dare with me. I don't know why but he actually agreed. I went and bought the book that day and we started doing it 2 days later.

Then I went into labor. I went into labor at 4 am and called him about 7 and told him. He wasn't sure if it was the real thing or not because I had had so many false labor calls in the previous weeks. So he decided that he would come over later that night if it was still going on. I labored and walked all day either by myself or with my mom. My contractions were never regular. They came whenever I moved so I wasn't sure if I was actually in labor or not. The started getting stronger around 6 pm and so I called Doug again and he came over. About 9 pm I started feeling like I was going to throw up and we decided that I needed to get to the hospital and get checked out. It took awhile and I got to the hospital around 11. I was already 6 cm dilated and at 1:25 am gave birth to our beautiful son Tristan.

When we went home from the hospital Doug decided that he was going to stay at my mom's house with me for the first few days. It was nice. We talked and hung out and got to know Tristan. Then one night there was an incident at my moms house with her roommate (long story, and not mine to only to tell) and Doug looked at me and said that we were coming home with him. That we didn't need to stay there with those things going on anymore.

That night I threw some stuff together and went home with him. It was strange and weird and painful to be home but to not know if I was staying or what was going to happen. The next day he had to drive up to Wisconsin to attend his sisters wedding with our oldest son who was a ring bearer. I was supposed to go too but something told me that I shouldn't. Physically I could have made the trip even though I was only 5 days out from birth but something told me that it would be an eye opener for Doug if I didn't go with him.

And it was. He told me that he realized just what being a single parent was all about that night. There's no help. It's all on you and if the child gets tired at 9:30 then you have to leave the party and sit in your hotel room alone and watch tv. He also told me that when a couples dance was announced he wanted me there for the first time in a long time. He said it didn't feel right without me. Doug's sister told me later that not coming to her wedding was probably one of the best moves that I made lol. She was disappointed that I wasn't there but she saw the realizations that Doug went through and thought it was a good move on my part.

After the wedding we tried to settle back into being a family and it was filled with so much pain and anger and bumps in the road to get back to the point we are today. But, I think I will leave that for part 3. It does get better and not as depressing in part 3 :)

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

My day in pictures

I know that I have a part two to write about my story. It is coming but I just haven't had the time. I might not have the time for awhile. My husband has a four day weekend coming up and we are going to paint the boys room and start getting things ready for the baby. We scrambled to get things ready for the other two boys and I don't want to do that this time. I want it ready!

But since I have a few minutes I figured that I would show some of my busy day today in pictures :)

My sick youngest boy. He has a miserable cold. He will spend most of the day relaxing and watching tv
 My healthy oldest boy. I need to have him clean some later (his room) but for now I'm going to let him play with his new Lego sets and stay away from my youngest so he doesn't get sick!
 My kitchen. It's bad. So is the rest of the house. I've been hurting from this pregnancy and the house got away from me. This is embarrassing but maybe it will give me motivation. This is the only room I am showing though. If I show my whole house together in pictures women will faint, children will start crying, and people will start holding signs outside my house that say 'Repent! The end is nigh!'. Ok  not really but it's bad lol!
 The blanket I am making for my husbands birthday. It's going to be almost the size of our queen size bed when I am done. He told me that he wanted a huge blanket so we can both cuddle under it :) His birthday is May 17th and I have LOTS to do if I'm going to get it done in time. Need to get in the crocheting zone today! It looks purple in this picture to me but it's not. It's navy blue and orange. Chicago Bears colors. Bear down! :)

I also have laundry to do. I would show a picture of that but I'm sure we all know what massive piles of laundry look like. Right? Anyone? Bueller?

So that's my day. I hope I can get motivated and get even some of the house clean and laundry done. I hope that every one is productive today and has a GREAT day! :)

Friday, April 6, 2012

Come and see a man! ~My story~ Part one

I saw a post here a long time ago that talked about this subject and it resonated with me. I've thought about it for almost a year now. I've started to write this and then stopped and started again. It's taken me forever to get this post published. I've got my own reason to shout "Come and see a man!" but it's filled with shame and pain that is still somewhat fresh and raw. It's being worked through but the feelings are so strong sometimes.

So, come and see a man that restored my destroyed marriage. Come and see a man that opened my heart. Come and see a man that made me the person I saw inside but thought could never be. Come and see a man that held me, pushed me, loved me, and was a shoulder to cry on when I didn't have one.

In January of 2009 I was about to start another full time semester at my community college when I found out I was pregnant. It was totally unexpected and overwhelming at the time. As the months of my pregnancy wore on, my husband and I grew farther and farther apart. Things came to a head in July when I got put on bed rest. The day I was put on bed rest he invited his best friend to hang out. So I laid in the bedroom, alone and crying while my husband and his friend laughed and talked together. I felt so alone and hurt. 

Then he had a female friend at work that he talked to all the time. She invited him out for a drink to 'get away from his stress'. Meaning his child, wife, and life with us. He took her up on the offer even though when he talked to me about it I told him that I didn't want him to and that it was a very bad idea. The night he went out we fought and I threw my wedding rings at him and told him that I hated him. He stayed out all night with this woman. I fell asleep around 4 am and when I woke up at 7:30 am he still wasn't home.

I was LIVID! I don't think I have ever felt so betrayed and heartbroken. When he got home, I screamed, yelled, and threw things at his head. I also tried to break his video games. I'm not proud of how I handled anything but I didn't know what to do at the time.

We talked some and things were at a semi-peaceful standoff for the next week. Then she called again and he went out with her again. Same scenario. He didn't get home until 7:30 in the morning again. However, this time when he got home he told me that he wanted a divorce. We spent the whole day talking and I was crying but nothing that I said changed his mind. He wanted a divorce. He wanted freedom.  He wanted a chance to be young Doug again and with the lies being whispered in his ear he thought that he could reclaim his early 20's if he didn't have his family.

I spent the next week still living in the same house with him. Trying to talk to him everyday. Trying desperately to fix this broken marriage. He would sit and talk and listen but I could see that nothing I said touched him at all. Then a week later on a Sunday he looked at me and told me that that while he cared for me as the mother of his children he no longer loved me or wanted to be with me. Hearing that out loud was the straw that broke me. I called my mom that day and asked her to move in to her house and that night with friends help I moved out.

The next night (Monday) she came over to the house and they hung out. They did some kissing and other things together but it stopped before they went 'all the way'. Then they spent the night together sleeping on the couch (I had taken the bed). I called the next morning because I had to pick up some things that I had forgotten. I guess he told her that I was on my way and she ran out of the house. I wasn't going to call. I was just going to go over and I'm forever grateful that I listened to the little voice in my head that was telling me to call before I went over.

When I showed up he looked like absolute hell. His face was drawn and pale and he looked like he hadn't slept in days. I couldn't help but ask him what was wrong. He told me nothing and that he was just tired. So I said ok, got my stuff, and asked him to call me later when he got off of work so we could talk about visitation with our son. Then I just walked away and went back to my moms house. That makes it sound like it was so easy but I had every emotion flying around and I wanted to help him and hate him at the same time. I have no idea how I just walked away but I did.

When he called me that night he was crying and upset on the phone. I asked him what was going on and he told me that he spent the night with her and now he wasn't sure if that was a good thing to do and he wasn't sure if he missed me or if I was just what he knew and he missed that. I told him that I was coming over. I don't know why I went. All I could think of though was that he needed me and I had to be there. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done because at the end of the night he told me that I was very brave but he still didn't want to be with me.

I think I'm going to leave this off here and write a part two in the next few days. This had gotten pretty long and it might be easier just to chunk it up. 

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Checking things off the old to do list and a link up!

We have a list a mile long that we need to complete before Isaac gets here in August (probably more like the end of July. I seem to go early with my babies). We have to get the room ready for our third boy and that is going to take a lot of work. Yesterday though we finally went through the toys. We threw away three garbage bags full of broken and filthy (what do kids DO to toys to make them so dirty?!) toys. Plus, now everything has a place and it will make cleaning the living room and their room (only once a week. It's my oldest sons responsibility) much easier.

Now we just have to paint and clean the carpet. The move all the furniture around and hang up curtains and pictures. Then after the room is done we get to move outside and fight the never ending battle of the weeds. I have never in my life seen a house grow so many weeds! Our yard is half creeping charlie, the flower beds are over run and the driveway (which is half brick) is a green carpet of weeds! It's only March too and it's only going to get worse! So we have a lot of work ahead of us.

I am so looking forward to Easter this weekend. I feel like it's going to be a new time for me. A fresh start. He is risen and I hope that I can get closer to him this year. Any big Easter plans from my readers? My sons are going to sing during the church service. I can't wait for that. It's going to be the first year I get to see them singing.

Just a small post to get back in the swing of things today. I'm also doing a link up for the first time. I wanted to try it out and I love to discover new blogs too :) I don't have a button for my blog yet (trying to get all of this figured out) but if you could just link back here I would appreciate it.

I don't have a set of specific rules about posting for the linkup. Your post can be old or new. It can be about crafts, family, religion, marriage. It doesn't matter to me :)