Sunday, January 29, 2012

I'm going to be honest finally,

I've made excuses about why I don't keep up with my blog. While I AM busy, I'm sure that I could find time during the day to make a post. While things are crazy, I could write one at night and publish it the next morning.

The real reason though is, I don't have anything to write about and I've been feeling like I'm losing my faith. When I do think of something that I think would be a good topic I kind of just throw my hands up and think to myself, 'what's the point anyway?'

I've stopped praying, reading my Bible, and seeking out God. I struggle all the time.

I've spent my whole life feeling emotionally abandoned by the people who should have loved me and I have a hard time believing that Jesus is any different. Deep down I don't think he could love someone like me. He can love the women who comes to him ragged and lost. He can love the woman who has it all together and is a keeper at home. But I don't know if I will ever believe that he can love me.

When my husband left me for a short time a few years ago, I FELT God everyday. I felt that he was with me and carrying me and loving me. I was so broken and he held me. Now I feel nothing. I pray for help and I feel like it falls on deaf ears. I try to open myself up to the Spirit like I hear other people doing and nothing comes. I feel like why try anymore? I feel like God doesn't care so why bother trying to please him and do what he wants me to do?

I find it sadly funny that my husband gets his faith back and I lose mine. I got baptized last August and felt like things were really coming together and now I'm back out in the wilderness. I just don't know what to do.