Friday, November 23, 2012

Lazy and a slacker

I have taken the week off. I've done laundry and enough cleaning everyday to make the house livable and I've played with and taken care of my kids. But everything else has waited. No homeschool, no scrubbing, no pushing myself. I've read, and crocheted and played online. And it's been marvelous! I really needed it :)

So I'm finishing out the week being a lazy slacker and then Monday I'll be back to cleaning and scrubbing and homeschool and blogging.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and have a wonderful weekend! :)

Monday, November 5, 2012

Burgundy Stew with Herb Dumplings

This is what I'm making for dinner tonight. I don't know where I picked up this recipe but I also found it here on Pillsbury.com. I've never made this before and I've never has this so this post isn't a true review but it smells fantastic and I just had to share :)

This is definitely food out of my comfort zone. I haven't cooked much with wine and I'm not a very good cook normally. I don't enjoy it that much but I do enjoy cooking with the slow cooker. It's so easy and I don't have to worry about trying to get dinner ready during the baby's fussy time which is usually 5 to 8 pm every night.

So here's a picture of it in my crock pot. I've decided to forgo the dumplings this time. I will make them next time. We just bought french bread for tonight.

                                        My camera is not very good but at least you can see it lol.



And here's the recipe

Burgundy Stew with Herb Dumplings

2 lb beef boneless bottom or top round (I used stew meat in this because it was cheaper) cut into 1 in pieces
4 medium carrots, cut into 1/4 inch slices (I used baby carrots and just chopped them in half)
2 medium onions sliced
2 medium celery stalks, sliced
1 can diced tomatoes undrained (I accidentally  drained mine. Hope it doesn't matter lol)
1 can sliced mushrooms (this was omitted. I can't stand mushrooms!)
3/4 cup dry red wine
1 and 1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp dried thyme
1 tsp ground dry mustard
1/4 tsp pepper
1/4 cup water
3 tbsp all purpose flour

Mix all the ingredients except for water and flour (I mixed the spices and the wine in a separate bowl and poured it over the veggies and beef). Cook on low for 8 to 10 hours or until veggies and beef are tender. Mix water and flour gradually stir into beef mixture.

Prepare herb dumplings using recipe below. Drop by spoonfuls onto hot beef mixture, cover, and cook on high for 25 to 35 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. 

Dumplings

Mix 1 and 1/2 cups Bisquick, 1/2 tsp dried thyme, and 1/4 tsp dried sage. Stir in 1/2 cup of milk just until baking mix is moistened.  

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Pulling up the carpet...


                                    (The carpet in question at my oldest son's birthday last year)

So a few weeks ago I walked into my sons room and was overwhelmed by stink. The carpet in there is 6 years old and the dog has had a few accidents in there. No matter how much we cleaned it, it still stunk. Then we were cleaning up an accident when my 3 year old took the dirty water container from our Little Green Machine and dumped it on the carpet.

I looked at my husband and told him that the carpet needed to come up NOW, today, 5 years ago! He just smiled at me and said ok. So on a whim of mine we started to rip up a carpet late in the afternoon. Of course not too long after we started the baby needed to be fed so I had to stop working and feed him. Then dinner was done so we all ate. Then the baby needed to be fed again so I had to feed him. My husband did 90% of the work on his one day off this week.

As I was sitting here feeding the baby, knowing that my husband was working away pulling up stinky carpet I was overwhelmed by a thought. My husband is a GOOD man. He puts up with my moods, goes along with my whims most of the time (especially if they don't cost any money lol), works SO hard for all of us.

As I was sitting there thinking of all of this I realized that it's been awhile since I focused on all my husband's strengths  I have been focusing on his weaknesses. He has made some bad choices over the past few months that have really made it hard for us financially and I have been so mad over it. I got to feeling superior because *I* never spend money and *I* go without and *I* don't spend money frivolously  So of course I was a better person because of all these things and *I* don't make mistakes like this so therefore I should be the one that runs the family.

It's hard to own up to but there it is. I'm a controlling woman who thinks the worst of my husband when things don't go my way. I've said this in another post but maybe I just need to keep saying it to myself. I am like a child when things don't go my way.

This is something that is going to change. I'm tired of watching myself acting this way and I'm tired of seeing how beaten down my husband looks every time I 'talk' to him. It's like I'm watching what is happening but I can't stop my mouth. Or maybe I don't want to stop my mouth.

I have started to take steps to change this. I've started to pray more for my husband. I've started to read books to help my relationship. But now I realize that it's time to pull up my own stinky carpet of my attitude. It's old and stinky and stained and it has no place in my life anymore. It's time to make a change for once and for all. Once you start pulling up the carpet you can't go back anymore. It can't be put down again once you cut it. That's what I need to do.

I'm going to spend the next few days thinking about this, but I'm thinking right now that I'm going to make my own challenge about loving your husband. This will force me to not only do a challenge but also spend the time making it and posting it every day so it's always at the front of my brain.




Growing Home



Monday, October 29, 2012

Happy Birthday Daemon my Daemon!

My oldest boy is 7 today! SEVEN! Where o where did the time go? He was born 5 weeks early and a tiny 5 pounds 4 ounces. He had a 4 day NICU stay and then we were able to bring our bundle of energy home.

Here he is. Brand new to the world

Little sleeping angel



What a cute little face!




And here he is just a week ago when he lost his two front teeth

It's gone by way to fast. I love seeing him grow but it's hart to let go of my baby. Happy 7th birthday Daemon! Mommy loves you :)

(As I was writing this I realized that I didn't do a post like this for my middle son. His birthday was at the end of September. So I guess I'll have to do a post about him just because! :))

Just average...

That's me. Average height. Average shoe size. Average intelligence. Average faith. Average house. Average car. Average life. Just average Jennie. Even my name is average. I'm just one of a million Jennifer's my age that are out there.

I ache for something more. I want to be bold for Christ. I want to do something that matters. But every time I think about what I want to do, I am at a loss.

I thought that I could use this blog for that purpose but I am stopped by two things. One, I feel like my writing is mediocre at best and two, what on earth could I possibly have to teach other people. I don't feel like I know anything and if all I am doing is talking about my struggles in Christ and as a homemaker, how is that encouraging anyone?

Maybe I do have something to teach and tell people about but I can't see it. Like I said before, I'm just average.

I don't want to be average anymore. I want to be bold and caring and something out of the ordinary. I don't need to be a 'special snowflake' but I do need to do and be more than what I am right now.

I know that every single person has something that they are super good at and something that they can do for the Kingdom. I just need to find what that is for me. There has to be something that God is wanting me to do. There has to be a niche for me.

Is this something that other people struggle with or do most people know what they are meant to do. I know that I need to pray more about this issue but it seems like it's so easy for other people. They start a blog and get 1000 followers within 6 months. They get a feeling they should start a ministry and everything just falls into place. It's amazing and makes me think sometimes that maybe I'm not supposed to be one of those people.

I want to write. I have stories and books and blog posts just rolling around inside me but when I am staring at the blank computer screen the words just won't come. Then when they come I feel like I missed the point somehow. My words aren't full enough or my thoughts aren't expressed well. Maybe it's just me and my posts are perfectly fine. I can be a perfectionist sometimes and that makes me so critical of what I create. Whether it's words or a blanket or a diaper cake it's never good enough. I sometimes get so frustrated with myself that I can't just enjoy what I am able to create.

It's time to start praying about this. I need to figure out what God wants our family to do. I know there is something, I just need to be open to it. I know He is knocking and I need to figure out how to get to the door and open it.

Do you ever feel like this? Did you feel like this but you figured it out? Let me know in the comments. Maybe we can muddle through together :)




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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Be like children

Matthew 18


1At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
2He called a little child and had him stand among them. 3And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
5“And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. 6But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.

This verse popped into my head today and I wanted to write a little post about it. I homeschool my oldest son right now. I want to school him all the way through school but my husband doesn't. We came to a compromise that I will school my son until we can move to a better school district because the one we are in is horrible. That is a decision that both of us are comfortable with :)
Anyway, I use the Sonlight 1st grade complete curriculum. They have a book for Bible time called 'Leading Little Ones to God'. This isn't a review but I wanted to take a few minutes to talk about this book. As we have been reading it over the weeks since school started I have noticed more and more that my son seems to 'get it'. I see his eyes light up when we talk about God. I see him understanding more. I see his talking more about what God wants from us. This book has laid things out in a way that my almost 7 year old totally understands it. But even more than that, the book is laid out so even my 7 year old's 33 year old mother understands it too. :)
The lessons are short and I get so much out of them. It's weird for me to get such inspiration from a children's book since I have been reading at college level since I was 10. However, I think that since I didn't grow up a Christian, and it's only been about 4 years since I really began to learn about God on and off, I really am like a child when it comes to knowing God.

Maybe that's been my issue all along. I've had a rough road with my faith and I've wanted to throw in the towel and go back to being an agnostic many times. But I've kept going and growing. Now that I have this book maybe I will learn some of the basics about God and Christianity that I seem to be missing.

Be like children. How many other ways can I go from being cynical to having a child-like faith in my God? Be like children. What can I learn from my own children? I think that I've been so focused on teaching my children how to grow that I've not grown myself.

Maybe these boys need to teach me just as much as I need to teach them!






Growing Homea-wise-woman-builds-her-home

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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Something I have realized lately,

I NEED Jesus!

That's it. It all starts with God. I've let Him go out of my life. For some reason I wanted to go back and reclaim the person I was before Christ entered my life. I don't know why. I was a selfish, bitter, broken person and I wanted that back. I *think* that I wanted to reclaim the easiness from when my husband and I were dating and when we only had one child. I don't know if that even makes sense outside of my head but it makes sense to me.

I've become nagging and critical toward my husband lately. I don't enjoy my children. And all I can think about lately is me me me me me ME! I don't get enough sleep. I don't get enough free time. I always have a kid by me. I can't even go to the bathroom by myself. It's a disgusting attitude to have. I realize that every person on the earth needs some time to recharge their batteries and just veg. I am taking it to the extreme though. I am hyper critical of my husband because he can't give me what I want when I want. It's like I've become a child.

This blog, writing about my faith, reading the Bible, trying to connect with other Christians, going to church, they all became burdens to me. I started going to websites that openly mocked Christians and enjoyed the content. My faith withered and shriveled.

I have also realized that I am very easily swayed. When I was very into reading other blogs by Christian ladies that covered their hair, wore skirts and homeschooled I became convinced that I had to do that to. When I read blogs that mocked Christians, I wanted nothing to do with Christianity. I have to find my own path and my own way. I know that the first step for me to take is to submit to my husband. But, I can't submit the way other women submit. I have to submit in a way that works for my family and my relationship with my husband. My husband and I both feel uncomfortable with the extreme we see submission taken to. He doesn't always want me to be cheerful because I'm not. He doesn't want me to run everything by him. I am naturally submissive in a lot of areas. Like finances. If I want to make any purchase I run it past him. He does the finances and know what's going on so I ask.

If there is something going on with the kids I talk to him. He has really good insights a lot because he's not here in the trenches with the kids all day every day like I am. I take his advice when I ask for it. But I'm not a child. I wear my hair how I want. I wear what I want. I do ask him what he likes and when he does have an opinion on something I take it to heart. I was cutting my hair short and asked him what he liked and he said he liked my hair long and curly so I grew it out. But if he didn't have an opinion on my hair I would do whatever I liked. I guess I have felt because I don't follow what other submissive wives do I can't be one. Now I realize it's a path we are going down and we have to start somewhere. If what we are doing isn't right God will let us know. I don't have to be Susie Christian Homemaker. I have to be Jennie Homemaker. Wife to Doug. Mother of my children. Daughter of God. I will find my way. I will do what God wants me to do. Now I know that in order to do that I have to listen to Him, not another blogger.

My husband's faith has grown so much in the last few months and I didn't even realize it. He prays in the car on the way to work. Has started to listen to Christian talk radio too. He's growing and has inspired me to grow. Considering that a year ago he didn't even really believe it's amazing.

I need to get back with God. Read my Bible, pray. I was doing a book review thing with Christian book companies and it really helped me to grow. I need to start doing that again. It's time. I need to make a change. Everyone here needs this.




Growing Homea-wise-woman-builds-her-home



Monday, October 1, 2012

It's been a long time...

So much has happened since I last wrote on this blog.

I had my third son Isaac on July 31st. When I went to my 38 week appointment he was breech so I decided to let my doctor do an external version on me. We got him head down but then he flipped around again. So the next week they wanted me to come in and they were going to try to flip him and induce me. Luckily he went back head down in the meantime. But I was induced anyway so we wouldn't have that problem again.

Isaac was born at 4:47 pm and he was our biggest baby at 6 lbs 13 oz lol. I have really small babies!
Here's a picture of me and my littlest guy :)

 and here's one of him just the other night,

he's still pretty tiny but he's growing and starting to smile which is the cutest thing in the world :)

In other news, my best friend is getting married Friday so I had a bachelorette party for her this past Saturday. The Saturday before that we celebrated my middle son's 3rd birthday. So it's been pretty crazy here. Plus the dress fittings and all the other stuff. I've felt bad that I haven't been available to her that much. I'm the matron of honor but life is so crazy that her and I have been like two ships passing in the night. We don't get to even talk much anymore.

I had started to breastfeed the baby but I think by now I've pretty much failed at that. Things were going ok when I got a kidney infection. They usually give sulfa drugs and you can breastfeed with those but I happen to be allergic to those to I had to take something else. Everything that is effective for kidney infections you shouldn't breastfeed with. So I had to pump and dump for 2 weeks and as the two weeks went on I started pumping less and less because I just couldn't find the time where the kids weren't fighting or crying or getting into stuff. I was also so miserable with the infection that I just didn't want to pump the first couple of days. After the wedding I'm going to try to take Mother's Love and pump and feed more and see if I can build up a supply but we will see.

My oldest has been so bad at listening that we have actually made him earn his own birthday party. He has had to earn 50 stickers by the end of tomorrow. He only has 4 more stickers to earn and I'm very glad that he finally turned around and has done what he needed to do to earn stickers. I didn't want to take his birthday party away but I felt that drastic measures were needed. I wasn't sure if he would earn all 50 stickers but he has really surprised me these last few days. This momma's heart is glad that he did what he needed to do and I don't have to take it away :)

So in 3 weeks we will be having another party. In between there we are homeschooling our oldest, trying to teach our middle shapes, colors, numbers etc., spending time with all three of them. Plus the cleaning, laundry, cooking etc. etc. etc.

I feel like I don't have a second to myself lately. I'm trying to enjoy every second I get with my baby because he will most likely be my last but it's hard. I usually fall asleep early and so I don't get time to myself or time with my husband. I know things will settle down but it's crazy. Also, of course right now my husband's job is getting ready for inventory so he's working 6 days and crazy hours and then it will almost be time for the Christmas season in his retail job. Come on January! That's when things will finally settle down lol.

I hope everyone is well and I make no promises when I will blog again but I will try to get back here more often :)

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

So many things I want to share!

So it's been awhile since I have written here. I want to and I keep meaning to but I always find something else to do. We have had a crazy ride here for the past month.

On my husband's birthday our little dog ran away. That was traumatic for everyone and we spent the next few days searching and driving around for him. Four days later we had given up hope when we got a knock on the door. It was animal control and they had our dog! Thank God for micro chipping otherwise we might never have gotten him back!

I am now 33 weeks pregnant and I am so ready for it to be done. So much pain and contractions have started. I'm having trouble walking and I'm just hoping that these last weeks go by fast.

We have started the process of trying to move again. Which seems like a huge undertaking this time around. I'm just wondering if we can possibly find anything decent in our price range. I don't need a stellar house but I do need one that isn't full of mold or has a cracking foundation. It's frustrating.

I am going to be super busy for the next few months. Even more busy if we actually do move. I have birthday parties coming up and my best friend is getting married in October. If we do move I will be even busier trying to pack up everything.

So my blog posts will probably be sporadic but I'm hoping to get on here more often. I hope everyone is doing good. Have a great day!

Friday, May 11, 2012

Slacking on the blogging!

Just a quick post today. I've been such a slacker at this blog thing because life has totally gotten in the way. I finally finished the blanket for my husband's birthday present yesterday. Which is good because his birthday is the 17th!

I had to take a 3 hour glucose test because I failed the one hour test. But I don't have gestational diabetes. I was so happy to hear that :)

This pregnancy is kicking my butt. Everyday I'm in pain and it's hard to do stuff so my house is a pigsty. I can't wait to be done and meet my Isaac and have my body go back to 'normal' lol.

I'm hoping to finally have part 3 of my story written out on Monday so that can finally be done :)

Friday, April 20, 2012

Come and see a man ~My story~ Part 2

(Part one is here if you haven't read it yet)

Living at my mom's house at 29 in my old bedroom with my son and one on the way was super depressing. I don't think a day went by that I didn't cry. I also had been married once before at 19 to a boy who cheated on me constantly so the thought of having two failed marriages by the time I turned 30 was overwhelming and shameful for me.

I spent six weeks living at my moms house and they are still the longest six weeks of my life. Every day seemed to last forever. At this time my oldest son was 3 years old and he had his whole world ripped apart. Mom was always crying. He lived at Grandma's house instead of his house and Dad was too wrapped up in his own crap to spend lots of time with him. It destroyed me further to know that I couldn't help him as much as I should. My  30th birthday was spend living here and it was even more depressing for me. Not only did I turn 30 and leave my 20's behind but I was back living at my mothers house facing a divorce.

During this time too I was trying in a million different ways to get my husband to talk to me. To get him back. To get him away from HER! Nothing was working.

Then one day my mom saw someone from our old church (they had sold the building and we just assumed the church had closed down.) and she said that the church was still active and had just changed their name (that's why we couldn't find them!). They were renting out the auditorium at our local community college on Sundays. We decided to go and that first Sunday that we went they were doing something way out of the ordinary from any church that I had been to.

The pastor decided that they were going to take the monthly budget (!) and give it to the congregation in small increments so the congregation could go out and take the blessings of the church into the community. They gave envelopes to my mother and I too even though we weren't members anymore and hadn't been there for years. We were instructed not to open the envelopes until we got home and I spent the rest of the service thinking about what I would do with the money.

I decided that if I got 100 dollars I would buy stuff for the local homeless shelter and donate it. If I got one of the 20's I would take my mom out for dinner to thank her for taking me back in to her house. If I got one of the 5's I would treat my friend to coffee for being such a great friend. There were no 50's and I never gave one thought to what I would do if I got a 10.

Lo and behold I got a 10 dollar bill. That's when for the first time in my life I heard God's voice. He told me to give the money and the blessing that went along with it to my husband. I brushed it off. Doug didn't deserve the money and he DEFINITELY didn't deserve the blessing in my mind. Someone else could bless him. Not me. He destroyed my life. He didn't deserve a blessing from me.

I raged at God for hours. The only thing I heard in return was that I was supposed to give it to Doug. So finally I gave in (reluctantly) and called Doug and asked him to come over because I had something to give him. He was going to a friend's house in another town but agreed to come over as long as the visit was short and I didn't 'badger' him. I agreed and he came over. I gave him the money and the card with the blessing and he looked very confused. He told me to keep the 10 dollars and he would just take the blessing. I told him it didn't work that way. The money was part of the blessing. He reluctantly accepted it and went on his way. That was our first talk since we broke up that didn't end with him angry and me crying.

As the weeks wore on I grew more sad and more frustrated that nothing I said touched Doug. He was wrapped up in the other woman and his freedom. He was also wrapped up in his own confusion and misery and it affected him very deeply. He would work 15 and 16 hours a day so he didn't have to come home to an empty house. He told me that when we moved he closed the door to our son's room and never even opened it. He couldn't stand to see it empty.

Through it all though I could hear God's voice clearly. More clearly than at any other time in my life. He kept telling me that I needed to be patient and that when the time was right I would find the words that would start the change. He also guided my steps and told me when something I was doing was helping and when something I was doing was hurting. I am still amazed at how clearly I heard Him. It all of the misery it was an amazing feeling.

Then one day I DID find the words that helped a little bit. I was talking to Doug about the other woman and he told me that she was a good person. I asked him how good of a person could she be if she knew he was married and trying to start not only a friendship with him but also a relationship. Because that was her goal from the first time she asked him out for a drink. That caused him to stop and actually think about some of the things she had done and said to him. Not only about him but about me and the relationship between Doug and I.

The next thing I said that actually got to him was about a week before I gave birth. I asked him to do the 'Love Dare' with me. He told me no and then I started yelling at him (not the best idea but effective) that he had asked so much of me and the least he could do was 10 days of the Love Dare with me. I don't know why but he actually agreed. I went and bought the book that day and we started doing it 2 days later.

Then I went into labor. I went into labor at 4 am and called him about 7 and told him. He wasn't sure if it was the real thing or not because I had had so many false labor calls in the previous weeks. So he decided that he would come over later that night if it was still going on. I labored and walked all day either by myself or with my mom. My contractions were never regular. They came whenever I moved so I wasn't sure if I was actually in labor or not. The started getting stronger around 6 pm and so I called Doug again and he came over. About 9 pm I started feeling like I was going to throw up and we decided that I needed to get to the hospital and get checked out. It took awhile and I got to the hospital around 11. I was already 6 cm dilated and at 1:25 am gave birth to our beautiful son Tristan.

When we went home from the hospital Doug decided that he was going to stay at my mom's house with me for the first few days. It was nice. We talked and hung out and got to know Tristan. Then one night there was an incident at my moms house with her roommate (long story, and not mine to only to tell) and Doug looked at me and said that we were coming home with him. That we didn't need to stay there with those things going on anymore.

That night I threw some stuff together and went home with him. It was strange and weird and painful to be home but to not know if I was staying or what was going to happen. The next day he had to drive up to Wisconsin to attend his sisters wedding with our oldest son who was a ring bearer. I was supposed to go too but something told me that I shouldn't. Physically I could have made the trip even though I was only 5 days out from birth but something told me that it would be an eye opener for Doug if I didn't go with him.

And it was. He told me that he realized just what being a single parent was all about that night. There's no help. It's all on you and if the child gets tired at 9:30 then you have to leave the party and sit in your hotel room alone and watch tv. He also told me that when a couples dance was announced he wanted me there for the first time in a long time. He said it didn't feel right without me. Doug's sister told me later that not coming to her wedding was probably one of the best moves that I made lol. She was disappointed that I wasn't there but she saw the realizations that Doug went through and thought it was a good move on my part.

After the wedding we tried to settle back into being a family and it was filled with so much pain and anger and bumps in the road to get back to the point we are today. But, I think I will leave that for part 3. It does get better and not as depressing in part 3 :)


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

My day in pictures

I know that I have a part two to write about my story. It is coming but I just haven't had the time. I might not have the time for awhile. My husband has a four day weekend coming up and we are going to paint the boys room and start getting things ready for the baby. We scrambled to get things ready for the other two boys and I don't want to do that this time. I want it ready!

But since I have a few minutes I figured that I would show some of my busy day today in pictures :)

My sick youngest boy. He has a miserable cold. He will spend most of the day relaxing and watching tv
 My healthy oldest boy. I need to have him clean some later (his room) but for now I'm going to let him play with his new Lego sets and stay away from my youngest so he doesn't get sick!
 My kitchen. It's bad. So is the rest of the house. I've been hurting from this pregnancy and the house got away from me. This is embarrassing but maybe it will give me motivation. This is the only room I am showing though. If I show my whole house together in pictures women will faint, children will start crying, and people will start holding signs outside my house that say 'Repent! The end is nigh!'. Ok  not really but it's bad lol!
 The blanket I am making for my husbands birthday. It's going to be almost the size of our queen size bed when I am done. He told me that he wanted a huge blanket so we can both cuddle under it :) His birthday is May 17th and I have LOTS to do if I'm going to get it done in time. Need to get in the crocheting zone today! It looks purple in this picture to me but it's not. It's navy blue and orange. Chicago Bears colors. Bear down! :)

I also have laundry to do. I would show a picture of that but I'm sure we all know what massive piles of laundry look like. Right? Anyone? Bueller?

So that's my day. I hope I can get motivated and get even some of the house clean and laundry done. I hope that every one is productive today and has a GREAT day! :)

Friday, April 6, 2012

Come and see a man! ~My story~ Part one

I saw a post here a long time ago that talked about this subject and it resonated with me. I've thought about it for almost a year now. I've started to write this and then stopped and started again. It's taken me forever to get this post published. I've got my own reason to shout "Come and see a man!" but it's filled with shame and pain that is still somewhat fresh and raw. It's being worked through but the feelings are so strong sometimes.

So, come and see a man that restored my destroyed marriage. Come and see a man that opened my heart. Come and see a man that made me the person I saw inside but thought could never be. Come and see a man that held me, pushed me, loved me, and was a shoulder to cry on when I didn't have one.

In January of 2009 I was about to start another full time semester at my community college when I found out I was pregnant. It was totally unexpected and overwhelming at the time. As the months of my pregnancy wore on, my husband and I grew farther and farther apart. Things came to a head in July when I got put on bed rest. The day I was put on bed rest he invited his best friend to hang out. So I laid in the bedroom, alone and crying while my husband and his friend laughed and talked together. I felt so alone and hurt. 

Then he had a female friend at work that he talked to all the time. She invited him out for a drink to 'get away from his stress'. Meaning his child, wife, and life with us. He took her up on the offer even though when he talked to me about it I told him that I didn't want him to and that it was a very bad idea. The night he went out we fought and I threw my wedding rings at him and told him that I hated him. He stayed out all night with this woman. I fell asleep around 4 am and when I woke up at 7:30 am he still wasn't home.

I was LIVID! I don't think I have ever felt so betrayed and heartbroken. When he got home, I screamed, yelled, and threw things at his head. I also tried to break his video games. I'm not proud of how I handled anything but I didn't know what to do at the time.

We talked some and things were at a semi-peaceful standoff for the next week. Then she called again and he went out with her again. Same scenario. He didn't get home until 7:30 in the morning again. However, this time when he got home he told me that he wanted a divorce. We spent the whole day talking and I was crying but nothing that I said changed his mind. He wanted a divorce. He wanted freedom.  He wanted a chance to be young Doug again and with the lies being whispered in his ear he thought that he could reclaim his early 20's if he didn't have his family.

I spent the next week still living in the same house with him. Trying to talk to him everyday. Trying desperately to fix this broken marriage. He would sit and talk and listen but I could see that nothing I said touched him at all. Then a week later on a Sunday he looked at me and told me that that while he cared for me as the mother of his children he no longer loved me or wanted to be with me. Hearing that out loud was the straw that broke me. I called my mom that day and asked her to move in to her house and that night with friends help I moved out.

The next night (Monday) she came over to the house and they hung out. They did some kissing and other things together but it stopped before they went 'all the way'. Then they spent the night together sleeping on the couch (I had taken the bed). I called the next morning because I had to pick up some things that I had forgotten. I guess he told her that I was on my way and she ran out of the house. I wasn't going to call. I was just going to go over and I'm forever grateful that I listened to the little voice in my head that was telling me to call before I went over.

When I showed up he looked like absolute hell. His face was drawn and pale and he looked like he hadn't slept in days. I couldn't help but ask him what was wrong. He told me nothing and that he was just tired. So I said ok, got my stuff, and asked him to call me later when he got off of work so we could talk about visitation with our son. Then I just walked away and went back to my moms house. That makes it sound like it was so easy but I had every emotion flying around and I wanted to help him and hate him at the same time. I have no idea how I just walked away but I did.

When he called me that night he was crying and upset on the phone. I asked him what was going on and he told me that he spent the night with her and now he wasn't sure if that was a good thing to do and he wasn't sure if he missed me or if I was just what he knew and he missed that. I told him that I was coming over. I don't know why I went. All I could think of though was that he needed me and I had to be there. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done because at the end of the night he told me that I was very brave but he still didn't want to be with me.

I think I'm going to leave this off here and write a part two in the next few days. This had gotten pretty long and it might be easier just to chunk it up. 

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Checking things off the old to do list and a link up!

We have a list a mile long that we need to complete before Isaac gets here in August (probably more like the end of July. I seem to go early with my babies). We have to get the room ready for our third boy and that is going to take a lot of work. Yesterday though we finally went through the toys. We threw away three garbage bags full of broken and filthy (what do kids DO to toys to make them so dirty?!) toys. Plus, now everything has a place and it will make cleaning the living room and their room (only once a week. It's my oldest sons responsibility) much easier.

Now we just have to paint and clean the carpet. The move all the furniture around and hang up curtains and pictures. Then after the room is done we get to move outside and fight the never ending battle of the weeds. I have never in my life seen a house grow so many weeds! Our yard is half creeping charlie, the flower beds are over run and the driveway (which is half brick) is a green carpet of weeds! It's only March too and it's only going to get worse! So we have a lot of work ahead of us.

I am so looking forward to Easter this weekend. I feel like it's going to be a new time for me. A fresh start. He is risen and I hope that I can get closer to him this year. Any big Easter plans from my readers? My sons are going to sing during the church service. I can't wait for that. It's going to be the first year I get to see them singing.

Just a small post to get back in the swing of things today. I'm also doing a link up for the first time. I wanted to try it out and I love to discover new blogs too :) I don't have a button for my blog yet (trying to get all of this figured out) but if you could just link back here I would appreciate it.

I don't have a set of specific rules about posting for the linkup. Your post can be old or new. It can be about crafts, family, religion, marriage. It doesn't matter to me :)













Sunday, March 25, 2012

Little break...

I wanted to write just a quick post to let everyone know what is going on. I've been feeling pretty sick the last few days. So my house is completely trashed and laundry is a mountain! Luckily my husband never cares how the house looks and is more than willing to pitch in when he has some time here. But of course, his work schedule is crazy right now lol.

On a crafty note, I've started two blankets. One for my husbands birthday in May and one for our little Isaac when he is born. My husband wanted Chicago Bears colors and so I'm trying to learn how to color change. Thanks to Youtube it's coming along :)

I hope that within the next few days I will be feeling better and will be back to blogging. Big thanks to all my new followers and everyone that has commented in the last week or so. It's been so nice to have people to 'talk' to on here and I've enjoyed going to see your own blogs too.

Until next time,
Jen

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Don't we all need encouragement from time to time?


I know I sure do. It's been a crazy ride here the last few days. I feel better today and in talking to my mom today I think she might have stumbled across something. She looked up chronic fatigue syndrome and it fits me almost to a T. It's hard to diagnose and I do know the dangers of self diagnosing from the internet but there are some home remedies I am going to try. Some of it is common sense and I don't see how it could hurt to regulate my sleep schedule and reduce my stress :)

Now to the meat of my post, encouragement.

Everyone goes through times in their life that are super hard and they need encouragement. Sometimes we get that encouragement from other people and sometimes it just doesn't come. I've found that I need to find my own encouragement. One of the best ways to do that is to turn to the Bible. There is so much scripture that can lift the spirit up. Here are some verses that have helped me in the past,

Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

Matthew 11:28-29 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

I love these verses. Especially the one from Matthew. Rest in the Lord, is there anything better than that?

I have found sometimes though, that scripture isn't always enough when I feel really discouraged (is it bad to admit this? Oh well it's true!). It helps and it does comfort me a lot. There are just times that I feel I need to connect somehow with myself better. Focus on my successes and not on my failures. Focus on the gifts and blessings that I have been given instead of my shortcomings and wants.

I think that today is a good day to start writing down the things that I am thankful for. Maybe I will start a weekly thing out of this. Thankful Tuesdays? I don't know :)

Here's my thankful list, I think I will keep it around 10 things today.
1) I'm thankful that my boys are healthy and thriving.
2) I'm thankful to be growing another life inside me.
3) I'm thankful that soon I will have 3 boys
4) I'm thankful my husband is such a wonderful father to our children
5) I'm thankful my husband works so hard to provide for our family so I can stay home
6) I'm thankful for God's love and guidance
7) I'm thankful for this beautiful weather!
8) I'm thankful that we don't have to worry when our next meal will be
9) I'm thankful for sticky kisses and fingerprints on mirrors.
10) I'm thankful that God gives us second chances.







Monday, March 19, 2012

I am scared!

This post has nothing really to do with my faith or homemaking.

Last year around the end of May or the beginning of June I started running lots of fevers. For awhile I just thought that I was getting sick over and over again. That's not unusual for me sometimes. I've never had the best immune system.

By August I realized that this was not normal and I made a doctors appointment. I was tested for EVERYTHING over the next month or so and the only thing that she could find wrong with me was my white cell count was high and my vitamin D count was really low. So they put me on vitamin D pills for a month and tested my white cell count a couple weeks later and it went up higher. I was then referred to an infectious disease doctor.

She then tested me for a million other things and nothing came back. I had a CAT scan done then because they thought that it might be lymphoma. The CAT scan came back with everything ok except my gallbladder. I was relieved and had it taken out in early November.

Everything was going good. I had no fevers for awhile. Then I noticed that I started running fevers again. Now I've been tracking my fevers and it's been the same for two weeks. I feel the exact same as before and I'm scared. I don't know whats going on. I thought all of this would end with the gallbladder being taken out but it's happening all over again.

So everyday I run a 100 degree fever again. Everyday I feel so run down. I go back to my OB on the 2nd of April so I'm going to talk to him then and tell him what's been going on. I don't want something to happen to the baby. I HATE this!!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

A relationship with God

I got a couple sweet comments the other day on another post about my struggle with my faith. As I was responding to one of the comments I started realizing that I don't have a relationship with God.

I don't spend anytime talking with Him or reading His word. I don't lay my cares at His feet. I think that just like any other relationship in life the more you put into your relationship with God the closer to Him you will feel. Just like any other relationship, if you don't put anything into it, it can get stagnant. I must admit that it blew me away a little bit when I thought of it like that. I have never thought that having a relationship with God was something that needed to be nurtured.

But it makes perfect sense. Especially in the world we live in. There are so many things that can suck away time before you know it. There are so many things that, quite frankly, are more fun than reading the book of Exodus (that's where I am right now in my one year bible plan and I'm having a hard time with that book!). Also, I don't know if anyone else has this problem but I have a tendency to read blogs from other Christians and tell myself that that is good enough scripture reading for the day. I try to tell myself that there is a message there. Most of the posts include some kind of scripture. Sounds so pathetic when I write it out and can't justify it in my head.

So my plan to renew my relationship with God is,
1) Read the Bible a little every day
2) Pray everyday and try to spend some time praying with my husband.
3) Work on quieting myself so I can hear God better.

That's all I've got so far. Seems like a great start to me. Now I just need to do it. Any thoughts out there on something more I need to be doing? Is there anything you ladies do that really works for you? Advice or suggestions? I'm open to all :)

I hope that everyone has a fantastic Sunday!

Photobucket

Thursday, March 15, 2012

So where do I fit in God?

I was talking with my husband late last night. It was a horrible night for sleeping and there were many things running through my head. My husband and I both have a desire for him to be the biblical head of our house and for me to be a biblical submissive wife. We struggle with this so much.

One of our problems is I am super controlling. This comes from my past. I was the stereotypical anorexic for 2 years. I lost all control over my life (it's a long story that involves the death of my dad, and an extremely toxic relationship) and so I latched onto food as the one thing I could control. It's very hard for me to let go of control because I am scared that my life will become toxic again if I give someone else control.

The other problem is my husband is afraid of taking up the mantle of leadership and failing us. So for him it's easier to fail by doing nothing than to try and fail. I don't understand his fears completely but I do understand how it's easier to just do nothing and fail then it is to put everything into something and fail at it.

This has been such a struggle for me so much lately (I don't exactly know how much of a struggle it has been for my husband and I won't speak for him because when I do that I'm usually wrong lol). I've found myself upset with my husband when he wants some time with his friends, when he sits down instead of helping me.

I know that he needs time to relax too but I am so overwhelmed with the kids and the house and my pregnancy that I don't know what to do anymore. It doesn't help that I only average about 5 hours of sleep a night because of kids waking up and pain from my pregnancy. I'm so tired all the time.

I know that biblical submission is a hot topic most of the time but I have seen it work in my family. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 5 and I think that the months that submission worked well we were the happiest we have ever been. I want to get back there so bad but I'm honestly at a loss as to how.

I know part of it will come when my relationship with God is back on track again. I can't do this by myself. I will never succeed on my own. I will need His strength to carry me through. I wish that I had some answers for myself and for other women that might be struggling with the same thing. But I don't. I'm floundering and seeking answers just like everyone else. I wish I could use this blog to impart some wisdom to other women like I see so many other blogs do. This blog is more of a 'come on in, get a cup of coffee and talk to me' blog. A 'I know exactly what you are going through' blog. And a 'we will figure this whole journey out together' blog :)

I shared this post here,

and here,
Growing Home

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

I'm revamping my blog later today after homeschooling is done and the laundry monster has been tamed a little bit.

I'm renaming the blog, having a new about me section, and taking this blog in a whole new direction. I've tried to blog like the other homemaker bloggers I see and I've just realized that it is not me. I'm not a homemaker who has it all together, I struggle in my faith still and I feel like my blog needs to reflect this.

We all have little niches and things we do well and my blog needs to reflect me. Not a poor imitation of what other women do well.

So stay tuned :)

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

It's a...

BOY!

We went today for the big ultrasound and found out we are having our third boy. Our little guy is healthy and on track for weight. Heartbeat was good. Everything looked good. So Isaac Samuel will be here sometime around August 6th.

I felt a lot of disappointment at first because this is probably going to be our last baby and I'm sad that I won't have a daughter. But disappointment is going away and the thought of holding a sweet baby boy again is exciting!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

I'm going to be honest finally,

I've made excuses about why I don't keep up with my blog. While I AM busy, I'm sure that I could find time during the day to make a post. While things are crazy, I could write one at night and publish it the next morning.

The real reason though is, I don't have anything to write about and I've been feeling like I'm losing my faith. When I do think of something that I think would be a good topic I kind of just throw my hands up and think to myself, 'what's the point anyway?'

I've stopped praying, reading my Bible, and seeking out God. I struggle all the time.

I've spent my whole life feeling emotionally abandoned by the people who should have loved me and I have a hard time believing that Jesus is any different. Deep down I don't think he could love someone like me. He can love the women who comes to him ragged and lost. He can love the woman who has it all together and is a keeper at home. But I don't know if I will ever believe that he can love me.

When my husband left me for a short time a few years ago, I FELT God everyday. I felt that he was with me and carrying me and loving me. I was so broken and he held me. Now I feel nothing. I pray for help and I feel like it falls on deaf ears. I try to open myself up to the Spirit like I hear other people doing and nothing comes. I feel like why try anymore? I feel like God doesn't care so why bother trying to please him and do what he wants me to do?

I find it sadly funny that my husband gets his faith back and I lose mine. I got baptized last August and felt like things were really coming together and now I'm back out in the wilderness. I just don't know what to do.