Wednesday, September 14, 2011

As I stared in the mirror this morning...

while I was doing my hair I couldn't help but stare at the cross around my neck. The shirt I am wearing today has a curved neckline that frames my necklace perfectly. As I stared at the cross my anger and confusion that I've had for the last week just dissipated. There is a time for anger and a time for letting the anger go and getting down to business and fixing things. I crossed that threshold this morning.

I can't let the anger consume me. It stops me in my tracks and stunts my growth as a person. I know this all to well. I spent most of my early twenties emotionally stunted by grief and anger. Anger at losing my father, anger that my boyfriend couldn't love me and was emotionally abusive to me. It took me years to realize that my anger was only hurting myself. Being angry at someone never hurts them, it only hurts me.

I realized that since my baptism I've been FARTHER away from God. I don't read my Bible, I don't pray, I don't go to church, and I've slipped back into old habits. Plus I've neglected my blog because it's my journey to being a Godly woman. Why write about it, if I have been sliding the other way?

This has been quite a journey for me so far. I've gone through the crucible time and again and every time I think it's the last. Then I realize that it's not. Sometimes I wonder why God thinks that these painful lessons are the only way to teach me. Some easy, gentle lessons would be nice in between painful ones.

Please excuse my ramblings. This is a confusing time for me and I have no idea what is wrong with me. I feel like I've been holding this all inside for weeks and it's time to exhale and let it all out. This is just my way of sorting through the confusion and hopefully getting to a place of acceptance and understanding of all of this.

Love in Christ,
Jen

Thursday, September 1, 2011

I'm so angry!

I'm so angry at the Lord. Maybe that makes me a bad person or a bad Christian but I'm ANGRY! I've been sitting here for months being sick. The doctors still don't know what is wrong with me and no matter how hard I've prayed, I've heard NOTHING in return. Not even a whisper of encouragement. I don't expect a miracle healing. I don't expect God to carry me constantly. What I do expect is a little peace, a little encouragement. I want to hear God's whisper in my heart again. I don't understand why He has been silent for so long.

I'm angry at my supposed best friend. I feel like she has abandoned me. Our talks are very superficial now or she is talking about how much fun she has had with her other friends. Everytime I bring up my illness the subject gets changed.

I feel like I'm drowning. Everything has suffered in my life because I just don't have the energy to do anything. So a big thank you to my followers for still following my blog even though I haven't written anything :) I go to a different doctor the 20th of this month so hopefully by October I will know something.