Friday, January 11, 2013

Come and see a man ~My story~ Part 3

(Part 2 is here)
(Part 1 is here)
Time to FINALLY finish this and stop messing around!

The road back to being a family was not an easy one. Nor was it one that I would recommend for everyone. There were times when I thought that I couldn't go another day, hour, minute, living the life I was living. Times I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. Times I threw my hands up and said 'Lord WHY did you bring me back here!?' I couldn't stand the pain of knowing that my husband had given himself to someone else emotionally and physically. I hated him, hated her, and hated myself. I also loved my husband fiercely and told myself that it would all be worth it someday.

Those first few weeks after my middle son's birth were spent in a perpetual haze. I cleaned, cooked, took care of the kids constantly, and tried to change myself into what I thought my husband wanted and what he thought he wanted. Then one night the actual talking started. My husband looked at me and told me that he wanted to be the head of the household. I looked at him and scoffed and told him that I would love for him to be the head of the household but there was no way in hell I was going to submit to a man that acted like a teenage boy. He reeled back like I had slapped him and walked away. I sat there in silence and thought I had blown everything that we had been working toward with one careless comment.

Later I decided to try to talk to him about it. I told him that in my previous relationship I didn't have a voice and I was constantly changing myself for him. I changed so much that I didn't even know who I was. I told my husband that I think if I hadn't chosen to walk away one day I probably would have destroyed myself. I didn't want to go through that again. I didn't want to be voiceless ever again. I could give up control but I couldn't give up my voice.

Something changed inside me though. I felt drawn and at the same time repulsed by the idea of submission. I stumbled across the book, 'The Surrendered Wife' and bought it and devoured it. The idea of surrendering I could handle but I couldn't submit. Which doesn't make any sense because they basically are the same thing lol. I spent months changing because I wanted to. Our home life was fantastic! Everyone was in harmony, my husband spoiled me rotten, and he was the most relaxed that I have ever seen him.

Then I started to feel stifled. Little by little I wanted 'before' back. Before we fell apart. Before he touched someone else. Before when I could trust when he said he would never leave me. Before when things were fun. Things started to fall apart. We started fighting more. I became more controlling. Obviously before wasn't better. We fell apart right after before.

Then I got sick. I spent 6 months in 2011 with a 100 degree fever every day. I went to appointment after appointment. They couldn't figure out what was wrong. Then they said they needed to do a CAT scan of my head, neck, and pelvis. They didn't say why but I knew it was because they thought I had cancer. Thank God I didn't. It was only my chronically infected gallbladder and this horrible chapter would be over very soon.

I had gallbladder surgery on November 4th 2011 and then things started to get back to normal. We adopted a dog and were having fun with that. Then I started to feel tired and sick all the time again. I got really scared until I realized I was late. I took a test on November 29th and we realized that oops! I was pregnant.

My pregnancy was very hard on me. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I tried my best to prepare myself for when my husband left me pregnant and alone again. But day after day went by and I realized he was staying. He stayed when I was needy, overbearing, emotional, and sometimes downright crazy. He stayed. We started looking for houses to buy. We planned more for the future and he STAYED. We welcomed Isaac into our family in July 2012 and he stayed every day. He bought me food, and annoyed me, and was there when I was induced. Was there laughing and smiling and joking that I was superwoman when with only one push Isaac came into the world. He stayed. And he's stayed every day since.

Isaac's pregnancy and birth were a balm to my soul I didn't really understand how I needed. Things have been crazy but we have gotten though it together. We fight and make up and drive each other crazy but he's the love of my life and I'm his. We don't have it all together but we try to make sure we never walk that road again. We try to do the Love Dare every year starting New Years Day. We try to pray together and talk.

I wouldn't have chosen this path for myself, but I'm to the point where I'm glad that I've walked it. I've learned so much about my self and my husband and us together that I don't think I would have learned any other way. It was hard, and devastating, and I hated every second of it. But the end result has been worth it.

1 comment:

  1. Wow Jen! I don't even know what to say to that! You went through a lot. You're a better woman than I am...I don't know if I could go back, but then again when you have God on your side you do things you never think you would!

    I'm glad to hear that it was all worth it!!