That's it. It all starts with God. I've let Him go out of my life. For some reason I wanted to go back and reclaim the person I was before Christ entered my life. I don't know why. I was a selfish, bitter, broken person and I wanted that back. I *think* that I wanted to reclaim the easiness from when my husband and I were dating and when we only had one child. I don't know if that even makes sense outside of my head but it makes sense to me.
I've become nagging and critical toward my husband lately. I don't enjoy my children. And all I can think about lately is me me me me me ME! I don't get enough sleep. I don't get enough free time. I always have a kid by me. I can't even go to the bathroom by myself. It's a disgusting attitude to have. I realize that every person on the earth needs some time to recharge their batteries and just veg. I am taking it to the extreme though. I am hyper critical of my husband because he can't give me what I want when I want. It's like I've become a child.
This blog, writing about my faith, reading the Bible, trying to connect with other Christians, going to church, they all became burdens to me. I started going to websites that openly mocked Christians and enjoyed the content. My faith withered and shriveled.
I have also realized that I am very easily swayed. When I was very into reading other blogs by Christian ladies that covered their hair, wore skirts and homeschooled I became convinced that I had to do that to. When I read blogs that mocked Christians, I wanted nothing to do with Christianity. I have to find my own path and my own way. I know that the first step for me to take is to submit to my husband. But, I can't submit the way other women submit. I have to submit in a way that works for my family and my relationship with my husband. My husband and I both feel uncomfortable with the extreme we see submission taken to. He doesn't always want me to be cheerful because I'm not. He doesn't want me to run everything by him. I am naturally submissive in a lot of areas. Like finances. If I want to make any purchase I run it past him. He does the finances and know what's going on so I ask.
If there is something going on with the kids I talk to him. He has really good insights a lot because he's not here in the trenches with the kids all day every day like I am. I take his advice when I ask for it. But I'm not a child. I wear my hair how I want. I wear what I want. I do ask him what he likes and when he does have an opinion on something I take it to heart. I was cutting my hair short and asked him what he liked and he said he liked my hair long and curly so I grew it out. But if he didn't have an opinion on my hair I would do whatever I liked. I guess I have felt because I don't follow what other submissive wives do I can't be one. Now I realize it's a path we are going down and we have to start somewhere. If what we are doing isn't right God will let us know. I don't have to be Susie Christian Homemaker. I have to be Jennie Homemaker. Wife to Doug. Mother of my children. Daughter of God. I will find my way. I will do what God wants me to do. Now I know that in order to do that I have to listen to Him, not another blogger.
My husband's faith has grown so much in the last few months and I didn't even realize it. He prays in the car on the way to work. Has started to listen to Christian talk radio too. He's growing and has inspired me to grow. Considering that a year ago he didn't even really believe it's amazing.
I need to get back with God. Read my Bible, pray. I was doing a book review thing with Christian book companies and it really helped me to grow. I need to start doing that again. It's time. I need to make a change. Everyone here needs this.