I ache for something more. I want to be bold for Christ. I want to do something that matters. But every time I think about what I want to do, I am at a loss.
I thought that I could use this blog for that purpose but I am stopped by two things. One, I feel like my writing is mediocre at best and two, what on earth could I possibly have to teach other people. I don't feel like I know anything and if all I am doing is talking about my struggles in Christ and as a homemaker, how is that encouraging anyone?
Maybe I do have something to teach and tell people about but I can't see it. Like I said before, I'm just average.
I don't want to be average anymore. I want to be bold and caring and something out of the ordinary. I don't need to be a 'special snowflake' but I do need to do and be more than what I am right now.
I know that every single person has something that they are super good at and something that they can do for the Kingdom. I just need to find what that is for me. There has to be something that God is wanting me to do. There has to be a niche for me.
Is this something that other people struggle with or do most people know what they are meant to do. I know that I need to pray more about this issue but it seems like it's so easy for other people. They start a blog and get 1000 followers within 6 months. They get a feeling they should start a ministry and everything just falls into place. It's amazing and makes me think sometimes that maybe I'm not supposed to be one of those people.
I want to write. I have stories and books and blog posts just rolling around inside me but when I am staring at the blank computer screen the words just won't come. Then when they come I feel like I missed the point somehow. My words aren't full enough or my thoughts aren't expressed well. Maybe it's just me and my posts are perfectly fine. I can be a perfectionist sometimes and that makes me so critical of what I create. Whether it's words or a blanket or a diaper cake it's never good enough. I sometimes get so frustrated with myself that I can't just enjoy what I am able to create.
It's time to start praying about this. I need to figure out what God wants our family to do. I know there is something, I just need to be open to it. I know He is knocking and I need to figure out how to get to the door and open it.
Do you ever feel like this? Did you feel like this but you figured it out? Let me know in the comments. Maybe we can muddle through together :)