Friday, April 6, 2012

Come and see a man! ~My story~ Part one

I saw a post here a long time ago that talked about this subject and it resonated with me. I've thought about it for almost a year now. I've started to write this and then stopped and started again. It's taken me forever to get this post published. I've got my own reason to shout "Come and see a man!" but it's filled with shame and pain that is still somewhat fresh and raw. It's being worked through but the feelings are so strong sometimes.

So, come and see a man that restored my destroyed marriage. Come and see a man that opened my heart. Come and see a man that made me the person I saw inside but thought could never be. Come and see a man that held me, pushed me, loved me, and was a shoulder to cry on when I didn't have one.

In January of 2009 I was about to start another full time semester at my community college when I found out I was pregnant. It was totally unexpected and overwhelming at the time. As the months of my pregnancy wore on, my husband and I grew farther and farther apart. Things came to a head in July when I got put on bed rest. The day I was put on bed rest he invited his best friend to hang out. So I laid in the bedroom, alone and crying while my husband and his friend laughed and talked together. I felt so alone and hurt. 

Then he had a female friend at work that he talked to all the time. She invited him out for a drink to 'get away from his stress'. Meaning his child, wife, and life with us. He took her up on the offer even though when he talked to me about it I told him that I didn't want him to and that it was a very bad idea. The night he went out we fought and I threw my wedding rings at him and told him that I hated him. He stayed out all night with this woman. I fell asleep around 4 am and when I woke up at 7:30 am he still wasn't home.

I was LIVID! I don't think I have ever felt so betrayed and heartbroken. When he got home, I screamed, yelled, and threw things at his head. I also tried to break his video games. I'm not proud of how I handled anything but I didn't know what to do at the time.

We talked some and things were at a semi-peaceful standoff for the next week. Then she called again and he went out with her again. Same scenario. He didn't get home until 7:30 in the morning again. However, this time when he got home he told me that he wanted a divorce. We spent the whole day talking and I was crying but nothing that I said changed his mind. He wanted a divorce. He wanted freedom.  He wanted a chance to be young Doug again and with the lies being whispered in his ear he thought that he could reclaim his early 20's if he didn't have his family.

I spent the next week still living in the same house with him. Trying to talk to him everyday. Trying desperately to fix this broken marriage. He would sit and talk and listen but I could see that nothing I said touched him at all. Then a week later on a Sunday he looked at me and told me that that while he cared for me as the mother of his children he no longer loved me or wanted to be with me. Hearing that out loud was the straw that broke me. I called my mom that day and asked her to move in to her house and that night with friends help I moved out.

The next night (Monday) she came over to the house and they hung out. They did some kissing and other things together but it stopped before they went 'all the way'. Then they spent the night together sleeping on the couch (I had taken the bed). I called the next morning because I had to pick up some things that I had forgotten. I guess he told her that I was on my way and she ran out of the house. I wasn't going to call. I was just going to go over and I'm forever grateful that I listened to the little voice in my head that was telling me to call before I went over.

When I showed up he looked like absolute hell. His face was drawn and pale and he looked like he hadn't slept in days. I couldn't help but ask him what was wrong. He told me nothing and that he was just tired. So I said ok, got my stuff, and asked him to call me later when he got off of work so we could talk about visitation with our son. Then I just walked away and went back to my moms house. That makes it sound like it was so easy but I had every emotion flying around and I wanted to help him and hate him at the same time. I have no idea how I just walked away but I did.

When he called me that night he was crying and upset on the phone. I asked him what was going on and he told me that he spent the night with her and now he wasn't sure if that was a good thing to do and he wasn't sure if he missed me or if I was just what he knew and he missed that. I told him that I was coming over. I don't know why I went. All I could think of though was that he needed me and I had to be there. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done because at the end of the night he told me that I was very brave but he still didn't want to be with me.

I think I'm going to leave this off here and write a part two in the next few days. This had gotten pretty long and it might be easier just to chunk it up. 

2 comments:

  1. WOW! I so admire your transparency and humility in sharing your story! Thank you for inspiring me to be real & write my story...I look forward to reading part 2.

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  2. Thank you. It's been hard to write out. I have had to keep starting and stopping because it brings up so much. Luckily the hardest part of the story is over and the rest will be easier to write :)

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