Thursday, March 15, 2012

So where do I fit in God?

I was talking with my husband late last night. It was a horrible night for sleeping and there were many things running through my head. My husband and I both have a desire for him to be the biblical head of our house and for me to be a biblical submissive wife. We struggle with this so much.

One of our problems is I am super controlling. This comes from my past. I was the stereotypical anorexic for 2 years. I lost all control over my life (it's a long story that involves the death of my dad, and an extremely toxic relationship) and so I latched onto food as the one thing I could control. It's very hard for me to let go of control because I am scared that my life will become toxic again if I give someone else control.

The other problem is my husband is afraid of taking up the mantle of leadership and failing us. So for him it's easier to fail by doing nothing than to try and fail. I don't understand his fears completely but I do understand how it's easier to just do nothing and fail then it is to put everything into something and fail at it.

This has been such a struggle for me so much lately (I don't exactly know how much of a struggle it has been for my husband and I won't speak for him because when I do that I'm usually wrong lol). I've found myself upset with my husband when he wants some time with his friends, when he sits down instead of helping me.

I know that he needs time to relax too but I am so overwhelmed with the kids and the house and my pregnancy that I don't know what to do anymore. It doesn't help that I only average about 5 hours of sleep a night because of kids waking up and pain from my pregnancy. I'm so tired all the time.

I know that biblical submission is a hot topic most of the time but I have seen it work in my family. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 5 and I think that the months that submission worked well we were the happiest we have ever been. I want to get back there so bad but I'm honestly at a loss as to how.

I know part of it will come when my relationship with God is back on track again. I can't do this by myself. I will never succeed on my own. I will need His strength to carry me through. I wish that I had some answers for myself and for other women that might be struggling with the same thing. But I don't. I'm floundering and seeking answers just like everyone else. I wish I could use this blog to impart some wisdom to other women like I see so many other blogs do. This blog is more of a 'come on in, get a cup of coffee and talk to me' blog. A 'I know exactly what you are going through' blog. And a 'we will figure this whole journey out together' blog :)

I shared this post here,

and here,
Growing Home

2 comments:

  1. I think that's a good kind of blog, really. Especially when you don't have the answers. It is inspiring to watch someone learn through their issues, and less so when it's someone that KNOWS they inspire others. I think those that KNOW they do can fall prey to pride and a lack of transparency that others need to see so they know they are "ok".

    Just be you. Know that God accepts you as you are---He knows all your thoughts, struggles, issues, and still loves you. Be secure in the fact that HE will do the changing and all you must do is allow His Holy Spirit to speak to your heart. Make conscious efforts to do the right things when you find yourself in hard situations---I promise, it will give you confidence in your ability to walk with Christ. Stay close to Jesus. You'll do fine. :)

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  2. Love your comment! Thank you so much :)

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