Sunday, January 29, 2012

I'm going to be honest finally,

I've made excuses about why I don't keep up with my blog. While I AM busy, I'm sure that I could find time during the day to make a post. While things are crazy, I could write one at night and publish it the next morning.

The real reason though is, I don't have anything to write about and I've been feeling like I'm losing my faith. When I do think of something that I think would be a good topic I kind of just throw my hands up and think to myself, 'what's the point anyway?'

I've stopped praying, reading my Bible, and seeking out God. I struggle all the time.

I've spent my whole life feeling emotionally abandoned by the people who should have loved me and I have a hard time believing that Jesus is any different. Deep down I don't think he could love someone like me. He can love the women who comes to him ragged and lost. He can love the woman who has it all together and is a keeper at home. But I don't know if I will ever believe that he can love me.

When my husband left me for a short time a few years ago, I FELT God everyday. I felt that he was with me and carrying me and loving me. I was so broken and he held me. Now I feel nothing. I pray for help and I feel like it falls on deaf ears. I try to open myself up to the Spirit like I hear other people doing and nothing comes. I feel like why try anymore? I feel like God doesn't care so why bother trying to please him and do what he wants me to do?

I find it sadly funny that my husband gets his faith back and I lose mine. I got baptized last August and felt like things were really coming together and now I'm back out in the wilderness. I just don't know what to do.


6 comments:

  1. Came across your blog from a comment you had made on another blog about not being cut out to be a homeschool mom. Sometimes, it is very hard but it is so worth it. And don't give up on God. Keep praying, trusting, reading the Word and give the devil a black eye. Jesus will never leave you. God bless.

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  2. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I'm still chugging forward out of the wilderness but it's been a slow process. I have issues that make it hard for me to see that Jesus could love me. I've been working on that a lot.

    I hope that you have a blessed evening! :)

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  3. I too came over from a that comment. He is there with you and knows all your suffereing. Praying for you sweet daughter of God.

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  4. Thank you :) I hope you have a wonderful day!

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  5. Hey sweetie, I found you through my friend Angell's Passionate and Creative Homemaking blog. This blog post really moved my heart enough to comment, even though this post was from last week.

    I just wanted to encourage you that God *is* with you, even when you don't feel Him. Spending time with Him is definitely of great benefit to us, but His desire to be part of our lives doesn't hinge on what we do, but what His Son Jesus did on the cross for us.

    He cares for you. Hang in there and keep praying, keep hanging on. You are loved!

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  6. Thank you so much for your kind comment. I understand now that just like any relationship, my relationship with God needs to be nurtured. I can't sit still with Him and expect for things to be better.

    I hope that you have a fantastic day :)

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