Wednesday, September 14, 2011

As I stared in the mirror this morning...

while I was doing my hair I couldn't help but stare at the cross around my neck. The shirt I am wearing today has a curved neckline that frames my necklace perfectly. As I stared at the cross my anger and confusion that I've had for the last week just dissipated. There is a time for anger and a time for letting the anger go and getting down to business and fixing things. I crossed that threshold this morning.

I can't let the anger consume me. It stops me in my tracks and stunts my growth as a person. I know this all to well. I spent most of my early twenties emotionally stunted by grief and anger. Anger at losing my father, anger that my boyfriend couldn't love me and was emotionally abusive to me. It took me years to realize that my anger was only hurting myself. Being angry at someone never hurts them, it only hurts me.

I realized that since my baptism I've been FARTHER away from God. I don't read my Bible, I don't pray, I don't go to church, and I've slipped back into old habits. Plus I've neglected my blog because it's my journey to being a Godly woman. Why write about it, if I have been sliding the other way?

This has been quite a journey for me so far. I've gone through the crucible time and again and every time I think it's the last. Then I realize that it's not. Sometimes I wonder why God thinks that these painful lessons are the only way to teach me. Some easy, gentle lessons would be nice in between painful ones.

Please excuse my ramblings. This is a confusing time for me and I have no idea what is wrong with me. I feel like I've been holding this all inside for weeks and it's time to exhale and let it all out. This is just my way of sorting through the confusion and hopefully getting to a place of acceptance and understanding of all of this.

Love in Christ,

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