Friday, June 17, 2011

Mom,

I think that you read my blog and since we aren't talking I thought I would write you here. I won't go into any details since other people can read this but I feel there are some things that I need to say to you.

I'm sad that this situation has torn us apart. We have never really had a relationship and I felt that once I found my faith we had common ground that brought us close for the first time and I'm sad that is no more. Daemon misses you and Mark. He talks about you all the time. I've told him that me and you are fighting and that Papa did some mean things and he wants to call you guys up and, I guess, tell all of us to stop fighting. I think it's sweet.

I miss you. There has been so much that has gone on in the past year that I wish I could talk to my mom about. I guess you know that we are trying to move. Doug and I are going to be homeowners within the year. This is something that I wish I could talk to you about.

I wish that you would get some help for yourself. I think you need it. Not in a bad way but I think you need to know that you don't have to put up with the stuff Mark put you through. I don't think he is a bad guy, I don't hate him, but I do dislike what he has put our family through. In that regard he's just as bad as Kim.

I know that you were there for me when I was going through all of that with Doug and I wish that I could return the favor for you but I can't. Not when you don't want me to. And not when it makes my boys lives turn upside down. They are the most important thing here. Not me, not you, and not Mark. Those little boys deserve better than the drama that surrounds all of us when Mark drinks.

I'm going to be an hour away now. I feel like we won't ever be able to repair anything if we don't do it before I move. But I can't make that first step. I need you to this time.

You have missed so much here. You would adore Tristan. He's walking and talking and mimics words and gestures now. Daemon has such a strong heart for God you would be amazed. That little boy LOVES Jesus.

I wish you would make the choice to be a part of our lives before it's too late and we've moved away. My two little boys already have a grandfather that they will never get to meet because Dad passed away. I would hate for them to also have a grandmother that is still living that they will never know.

But just know that the choice is yours. As hard as it is for me to NOT fix this, I need to have you fix it this time. I need you to make the choice to seek me out and put me first before an addict this time. I cannot allow myself to feel heartbroken and used again. The ball is in your court mom, it's up to you if you want to pick it up.

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