Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Lord why did you make me, me?



I've realized over the past few days just how ugly I can be inside. I gossip, I think bad about people, I have a temper that flares up too fast, and I can spend hours on the computer ignoring my family. I realized all this yesterday when we came home from house hunting. I was so frustrated that I took it out on everyone around me.

This is not the person that I want to be. I strive to be like the Proverbs 31 woman. So why am I SO far from being her? I feel like most days that I can't get it together.

Now, this isn't just a pity me post. I'm actually grateful for every new day. Because every new day means a new chance at being the woman that I really want to be. I just sometimes see how much work I still have on me and it gets discouraging. I get tired of baby steps and sometimes just want to run!

I've lived the start of my adult life, just surviving. I've been homeless, broken-hearted, and without hope. I've been slowly learning that I don't have to be the hard person who doesn't trust anyone, anymore. I can dream and dream big. I can show love like the love I get from Jesus. It's just a process.

Sometimes I feel like an onion. The outer layers of me are old and rotten and I have to peel them away one by one to get to the inner part that is still beautiful and healthy. It's a lot of work and I can't peel the layers off all at once other wise I won't know how to keep the inner layers healthy. This has been hard for me because I just want to dive head long into this and rip all the unhealthy habits away. But then I get overwhelmed and have to start over again.

I'm so grateful that God doesn't turn his back on me when I stumble or fail or get angry and pray angry prayers. I'm glad that I can be forgiven because if I couldn't I wouldn't be able to go through this process.

I spent a few years struggling with my faith and I couldn't feel God's hand in my life. I've gotten to the point where I can feel God everyday. It's really an amazing feeling when you feel God has you by the hand and is leading you. It's also amazing to know that when you stumble and fall God is right there to pick you back up.

This post is a little rambling. Sorry lol. I just had a lot of thoughts that I wanted to get out. I hope everyone has a blessed day!

3 comments:

  1. I love the analogy of being an onion. So often I think the world tells us if we just "do this" we'll get to the core of issues. And yet, it's not like that -- it takes work -- and a peeling away of self, pride, past, and more.

    Thankfully the Lord's mercies are new every morning.

    Beautiful post.

    Rachel

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  2. Thanks for commenting! You are absolutely right. The world does tell us, read this book, take this pill, listen to this speaker and you will be all better. It just doesn't work like that. It's work. For me it's been some of the hardest work I've ever done in my life.

    I hope you have a blessed day :)
    Jen

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  3. Oh--how I can relate.
    Grace.
    Makes me so thankful for His grace...

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