Friday, December 11, 2009

The pain is so hard to work through...

There are things that happened between me and Doug and choices that both of us made when we were apart that still sting and hurt. I hurt so bad most days that I want to crawl out of my own skin so I don't have to feel anything anymore.
I don't know how to deal with this. The person I gave my heart to trampled all over it because he wanted freedom from his mundane life and bitchy wife. So sorry Doug, that I couldn't be the person that you wanted me to be. I was too busy trying to deal with my damn high risk pregnancy and getting bad news every time I went to the doctor. So while I was busy being scared and overwhelmed you were busy with your new "friend" that made you so friggin happy.
You didn't even want to see your son because then you would have to see me and man up and talk to the pregnant woman you left behind in your quest for happiness. You didn't want to have to face the devastation that you left in your wake. You were too selfish to even do that.
I don't think you realize you destroyed me. You took something from me that I can never get back and it makes me bitter. You took my self-worth, my happiness, and my self-esteem. Some days all I have left is my pride to get me through the day. If I didn't have my pride I would just crumble into a ball while you were at work and the kids would suffer.
For anyone that reads this, me and Doug ARE together. We are working on things, have been working on things, and will continue to work on things. Things are actually getting better. Some days they are really good. This is just my bitterness and anger spewing out. I need an outlet before it eats me away.

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