Sunday, December 13, 2009

Maybe I am just too hard on people....

Over the past couple days I've realized that I am a hard person inside. I care about people deeply and once I love you I love you for life. Because of that there are very few people I let in close to me because I an willing to do anything for those people. The downside to that though is, I am very demanding of the people I love and let into my life. I expect so much from them and when they can't live up to my expectations I become a huge bitch.

I think it's because I just look at situations from my point of view and I never stop to consider anyone elses. If I am willing to get out of bed at 2 am and bail them out of jail or go to the hospital to be with them why aren't' they willing to do the same? What I don't stop and think is, I am lucky because I have no schedule I have to follow. If the boys sleep late, I can sleep late. Everyone else has to work and get sleep so they are able to work.

Doug gets the worst of it unfortunately. I expect him to make up for what he did, not make mistakes, and if he does to immediately make up for them. I look at what I am doing and I realize I'm not even allowing him to human. I have a lot of work to do with myself.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Today is going to be a good day

Doug and I talked a lot last night. It was painful and hard and we had a few misunderstandings but I think overall it did us good. I realized that I've been looking for something in him that isn't there. He isn't like me, he doesn't show his affection in the ways I do, and I need to understand that. It doesn't mean that he loves me any less.

Today for the Love Dare we are supposed to meet a need of our spouses by a daring act of sacrifice on our part. So for mine, as much as I want to talk tonight we aren't going to. I think that a night to just relax with each other and have fun will be beneficial. I know that I will struggle with painful things all day but I want to work through them so when Doug walks in the door after work I want to greet him with a smile. But not only just smile, I want the smile to be genuine. So I will do what it takes today to make that happen. If it means that I have to have my journal out at all times today to write down all my painful feelings and get rid of them then that's what I will do.

I need to start looking at the blessings in my life. Doug loves me again, my wedding rings are back on my fingers, we have two healthy boys. We have survived a lot in our marriage and other marriages have crumbled under less pressure. We have a nice little house that meets our needs. I get to stay home and raise our boys. These are the things that I need to be focusing on. I have so many blessings in my life that I overlook on a daily basis. I need to be grateful, not constantly looking for more.

Friday, December 11, 2009

The pain is so hard to work through...

There are things that happened between me and Doug and choices that both of us made when we were apart that still sting and hurt. I hurt so bad most days that I want to crawl out of my own skin so I don't have to feel anything anymore.
I don't know how to deal with this. The person I gave my heart to trampled all over it because he wanted freedom from his mundane life and bitchy wife. So sorry Doug, that I couldn't be the person that you wanted me to be. I was too busy trying to deal with my damn high risk pregnancy and getting bad news every time I went to the doctor. So while I was busy being scared and overwhelmed you were busy with your new "friend" that made you so friggin happy.
You didn't even want to see your son because then you would have to see me and man up and talk to the pregnant woman you left behind in your quest for happiness. You didn't want to have to face the devastation that you left in your wake. You were too selfish to even do that.
I don't think you realize you destroyed me. You took something from me that I can never get back and it makes me bitter. You took my self-worth, my happiness, and my self-esteem. Some days all I have left is my pride to get me through the day. If I didn't have my pride I would just crumble into a ball while you were at work and the kids would suffer.
For anyone that reads this, me and Doug ARE together. We are working on things, have been working on things, and will continue to work on things. Things are actually getting better. Some days they are really good. This is just my bitterness and anger spewing out. I need an outlet before it eats me away.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Decided today a blog might be nice to have...

I've been looking for a way to get out some of my thoughts and feelings and decided to look into creating a blog. I'm tired of the drama on some of the other sites I frequent. Sometimes I just need an outlet or I feel like I'm going to explode.

This pregnancy has been so hard on me. I am only around 32 weeks but I am so ready for it to be over. I don't think it's going to be long though. I'm still having contractions almost every day. I've been telling Doug that I'm actually looking forward to going into labor and having to go to the hospital lol. I told him that it's going to almost be like a vacation for me. I won't have to be scared because the pregnancy journey will almost be over and I've done it before so I basically know what to expect. I just have to focus on one thing instead of 20. There will be no laundry or cleaning for me too do and I can just lay there and nap in between contractions if I want to. Sounds like a good little break for me. Isn't that weird?

On another note, I've been struggling with my faith lately. I don't know how to put God first in my life I guess. Plus, every time I have opened myself up to other Christians (besides the few who really love me like my mom, Jackie, my Aunt Cindy, etc.), I've just been told that because I have a lot of liberal beliefs God doesn't want me. Is that true? Does God only want conservatives? Is there no place in Heaven for a liberal like me? Does God even care about the difference? I didn't think so but when something is thrown at you a thousand times you start to think that maybe there is some truth to it.

I try to tune out the voices around me and just focus on what Jesus is trying to tell me. Sometimes it's hard though. The day to day stuff of life just seem to drown Him out. I know He has a plan for me and my family but I'm just not sure what that is.

One last thing that I need to write about today is, I need to change my habits. I'm sick of my house being dirty, I'm sick of never being able to keep up with the laundry, and I'm sick of feeling like I have to clean rather than just spend time with my son. There has to be some sort of balance I can find. I know that I'm a lazy person. It's one of my biggest failings. But then when I get motivated I have to clean everything at once and do ALL the laundry and get outside and weed the flowers. There's no balance. I think that's the biggest thing that is missing from my life, balance. I either don't do enough or I have to do everything at once.

Well I think that's enough for today.

Until next time,
Jen